Corn Chips Are No Place For A Mighty Warrior

I came back from the play pretty frustrated tonight.

Which doesn't really make sense, considering tonight was the best night we've had since we started on Saturday night. The audience loved it! They were laughing at everything, and much more than anyone else had. At the curtain call, things went crazy- cheering, some shrieking which I have to admit I did not expect. The show went perfectly. I should be happy.

But what I think I realized tonight was that none of that really goes to me. And when I started out with YCDS a year and a half ago, I thought that was what I wanted. The spotlight is not for me, not in my worst nightmares, but I love the tech. It was back when I thought I could be a movie producer, and that having experience running a play would look good as experience when I tried to intern with Viacom.

Such hopes have faded as I've become aware of several things about Show Business:
1)You must be extremely talented, and you must believe that very strongly.
2)You must be extremely lucky.
3)You must be extremely devoted, and work like a horse.
4)You cannot possibly remain religious if you hope to get anywhere.

That last one basically did it for me. But the other things are true too. Money is not a great enough motivation to get me to really work the way famous directors have. Although I do love making movies even when I'm not being paid- in making the spoof for the play, I can hardly tear myself away from it, which is something I can't say about most productive things.
So maybe I'd have the motivation, and I also believe I have talent. In fact, I think if I gave it my all, I could be very successful in the movie industry. But that's best case scenario, and I'm not interested in it anyways if I can't always get kosher food, or get glares from people for wearing a yarmulke.

So that was last year's dilemma. My career plans since then have shifted from one form to the next over time, but it seems like I'm going to settle with computers. It something that interests me, I also have a talent for it, and it makes a decent amount of money. We'll see how all that actually holds up when I start taking serious programming courses over the summer.

But why was I so frustrated after tonight's show? Well, let me try to explain something. I've been working the show for five nights now. Every night the theater is packed, and every night everyone comes in. With their dates. I just get to sit in the booth and watch. I hate to say it (and I'm not sure why) but it just makes me sick to my stomach. It's like having to sit in front of a perfectly grilled steak when you're fasting. I don't know, it makes me crazy. It's there, dangling in front of me every night, and I lack the wits, or the gall, to reach for it. I suppose deep down, or maybe not so deep down, I know that it's not something I should be starting with yet (my sister can't stand the thought of me wanting to date, but I think that's just because it makes her feel old), but when everyone else around me- really everyone- seems to be doing just that, it makes me feel socially inadequate. As well it should- I am in fact socially inadequate. Two years and I have few real friends to show for it. Is it the fact that the people here are unlike the people I've ever encountered before? Is it because I lack a solid base to jump from since I came here alone? Or is it just that I have some kind of deficiency, either because of the schools I went to or something about how I was brought up? Either way, the problem is there, and it interestingly leaves me with many friends here, but no one who I can really rely on as a close friend.

This is all very important, because it is leading me to do something which may be a terrible mistake. I applied to a school which I know to be worse than YU, and I'm mostly doing it just to be with my friends. Scratch that, to be with one. Just one. Can you imagine how desperate I must be. There are many redeeming features about the school, but it really can't compare to Yeshiva University, and everyone I've spoken to has said the same. I can convince myself of virtually anything, but at the end of the day I think I know that transferring is not a good idea. Would I really be happier? Granted I will have friends there, but I will be constantly chafing against an administration which propagates ideas which I surprisingly no longer believe in. Did I ever believe in them? Wits was a lifetime ago, I can't even remember anymore.


I realize I haven't written anything on here since I left Israel- I would just like to say that I don't think leaving was the wrong decision at all. That's not to say I don't miss it- I loved it there, and I'm glad I'm able to recall the happier things about the place instead of the less enjoyable aspects of the experience. I think leaving was the right decision, I'm just upset that it was. It's true what they say about 90% of the people here going through Israel first. Many of them didn't want to leave- their parents forced them to go back to the states and get a college education. So many of the people here seem to be in some kind of denial, it's like they think they're still in Israel. I'm not sure what makes me say this- the way the dress, the way they talk, their pure tzioni outlook, their "tafs." It bugs me to no end- I am the only one in my shiur (besides the rebbe, strangely) who ever pronounces a "saf." I for one was not so taken by Israel, unlike about 90% of the people in YU. Does that mean I belong in a more right wing place, which sponsors a learning seder during the superbowl and could care less about Israel? No, I don't think so. My values do not swing completely one way or the other. YU will allow me to hold a middle ground- I just need to find some people like me and hang out with them, acquire a base of friends, that kind of thing.

The theater was supposed to help me do that as well, and in a way it has more than anything else I've done on campus. I'm becoming a regular at the theater- all the old people know me now, and the new people will soon enough. And as I become more and more comfortable, I branch out more, and feel more confident about myself. One thing is for sure- I'm not depressed here. I just wish I had some more friends I guess. My roommate is of no benefit whatsoever- that had been one of my plans back in Israel. Have a roommate this time, go to events with him, hang out with his friends, etc. Ha. My roommate has less friends than I do, and goes to sleep at 11 every night.

I should feel good about myself. Despite my outlook, things are getting better. There are still far more people here I don't know at all, and many of them I may never know. But I don't have to. I just need to have a small group of close friends, and I think I will get that over time. I just need to break out of my established comfort zone, and extend it.
As for girls, there's not much for me to say. There are a number of things holding me back from actively looking for a girlfriend, and as they are not exactly flocking to me either, I say we call it a draw for now. I absolutely hate the prospect of being one of those shidduch daters three or four years from now who never talked to a girl before, but somehow I don't think that's going to be the case. Make no mistake- waiting is painful, and the fact that these girls are everywhere amplifies my frustration. But it is a small comfort to know that when I one day become socially competent enough, they will still be coming uptown to get pizza and listen to lectures, which is more than I can say for Touro.