A Word on Modesty

You know, I'm not against modesty as an attribute. It's an incredibly important thing to have, and obviously something everyone should try to strive for. 

That being said, this is not modesty. This is psychological warfare on the human condition. 

I've got a pretty poor opinion of many elements of Orthodoxy as a whole right now. I've come off of a year full of pretty awful experiences, most of them caused by girls who thought they were too frum for me, so you can understand my distaste with the whole idea. Not that I'm justifying it, just telling it like it is. But it's in this atmosphere that I'm starting to learn where I stand on many important things, and "tznius" has always been an interesting question to me. 

Frankly, I've always found the skirt and sleeves thing pretty ridiculous. Being a boy, it was never accurately explained to me in school why girls were forced to dress the way they did, while boys had a much laxer dress code. In my enlightened adolescence, I now know that it is due to the Jewish requirement for people to be modest- and that is part of how women have to do it. It's considered vile, uncivilized, and unbecoming for a Jewish girl to expose her elbows, knees, or neckline. 

So, why not just wear a burka? Shouldn't that be considered laudable, the greatest geder one can imagine? No? Burkas are too far? So why draw the line here exactly? 

Oh, I'm sure you've got scriptural sources. I can't wait to see those. You know what? Spare me. You give me one way to read those psukim, and I'll give you five more. I can do that all day. Of course, my word doesn't count as much as the 500+ year old rabbeim you're going to cite, because they're...older? When it comes down to it, the Torah is the Torah, and every opinion you'll ever see on how to read it is just a slightly more educated guess, each with its own author shoving some kind of personal ethic into the mix. It's just too bad that the one document we are supposed to base every facet of our lives around is so terribly vague about everything that we can't agree on a single word of it. 

I guess what bothers me most about all this though, is that it stinks of people missing the point. It's a recurring theme I seem to find in my religion, where focus tends to be drawn to something which should be secondary. For example, in my Israeli yeshiva, a speaker was brought in to discuss the obligation of lulav and esrog around Succos time. "Finally!" I thought to myself, "I've always wondered what the heck this is really about. Maybe someone is finally going to explain it to me." 

I was disappointed when the Rabbi spent a whopping one slide on the source of the mitzvah (a pasuk- lovely), and proceeded to spend the next hour or so telling me how big my esrog had to be, and how long the lulav had to extend, and how many leaves had to be on the hadassim and aravos. 

I just sat there in the back of the Beis Medrash, visibly distraught, wondering what the heck was going on. How can you expect me to do these outlandish things without fully understanding why I'm doing them? Shouldn't the more important facet of this practice be the why, not the what? Does no one else have a problem with this? Hello?

As Jews, we spend a heck of a lot more time talking about the whys than the whats. Obviously the "whats" have a great deal of significance, but shouldn't they take a backseat to understanding why you should be doing them in the first place? Take tznius for example- everybody knows the whats of tznius. There are fuzzy boundaries at the edges, but most people agree on the skirt-sleeves-collar thing. But have these girls who make themselves dress this way everyday ever questioned the whys involved? I guess for most people, "the pasuk says so" is good enough. Personally, I find living my life following a strict regimin of rules for a reason like that to be quite dreary, following the rules for the sake of the rules themselves. Surely there must be more?

Now on to modesty. I don't have to tell you that there are plenty of skirts which are more revealing than a pair of pants. Or that even when skirts are lower than knee-length, I think we've all been in situations where pants would simply be more...modest. I can't tell you how many girls I've seen sit on a couch or a chair, and futilely try to pull their skirts over their knees so there isn't a clear shot to their crotch (this usually fails, maybe on purpose for all I know). The point is, if you're talking about covering skin, you can't get more coverage than pants. As for the argument about seeing the shape of the legs as you do with pants, I don't even know what to do with this. Girls have legs! They're there, trust me we all know it. If you're attracted to a girl, a skirt is not going to prevent that from happening. I think this rule is arcane, and in serious need of an update. Of course, updates are heresy, so good luck with that. But here, let's talk about the specific length, in inches, that your skirt and sleeves must be. Because that is something we can explain.

Fact is, when it comes to the laws of tznius, if you're looking for logical explanations that can hold their own in the real world, you're going to have a tough time. The same goes for a married woman's need to cover her hair. I've actually heard that this doesn't really apply until after the woman has had sex, and we just don't make the single girls cover it because we don't want them to be embarrassed (this of course makes me wonder what kind of single girl would have premarital sex, but be worried about her hair being covered). 

Now I am at a bit of a disadvantage here, because obviously a girl's hair is attractive, and covering it up definitely puts a damper on that effect. No, my problem here is a bit different- more like, why? How must these women feel, knowing that they are complying with a law specifically designed to make them less pretty? That they're fulfilling the will of God by making themselves more ugly? Why does this sound so Taliban to me? Hey, I've got a better idea- let's take all the energy we're putting into enforcing and educating girls about this rule, and instead put it towards internal morality. Is this rule in place to prevent adultery? Maybe emphasize how bad that is instead! And then they wear wigs? So you can cover your hair and still look pretty? Does this make sense to anybody else? This loophole is one of the most bizarre, most widely accepted rules in the entirety of halacha, and there's certainly no one rushing to explain it. 

Whether or not you agree with anything I've written thus far, you have to agree that if you're going to convince children of something, the above story is not the way to do it, a story which by the way would not seem even slightly out of place at my old high school, or the one my sister is currently attending. Scaring the shit out of these girls to make them wear floor-sweepers and baggy sweaters is not a good way to set their moral compass. Maybe instead of telling them that they'll be boiled alive in the afterlife for exposing their knees to the general public, emphasis what it means to be modest, and why it's important and valuable, on the inside if not the outside. Although the way I see it, if a girl is internally moral, she'll be externally moral as well. But I guess that hasn't really been tried in the Bais Yaakov system. 

2011-2012: Final Thoughts

When I look back on this entire past year, I see two things. First, I see immense mountains of grief and pain, things which had not been significant in my life for a very long time, if ever. I look back on the previous post on this blog and practically laugh at my own naivety. In writing that post, I never dreamed what an attempt such as the one I made in September could possibly put me through.

But on the other hand, I see how much I've changed since then, the important lessons I've learned, and how much good these lessons will do me in the future. I wonder how much of the pain could have been avoided, what were the good decisions, and what were the bad ones. As much as I hate to revisit this year's events, I also find it important to inspect how I reacted in these different situations, in order to better predict how I can prevent these things in the future. Or at least dull them. And if I were coming up on August 2011 all over again, there are a number of things I'd want to warn myself about. I know simply hearing these things from someone else wouldn't effectively teach me the lessons as much as going through the experiences themselves would, but I think it would have avoided one or two things. And that's worthwhile, in the end. You'll have to forgive the somewhat mopey tone of this blog post, but I haven't been in the best of moods for the past four months or so. It's only getting better, as I like to say, but I can't help but think that I've been permanently damaged by the types of connections I've had to severe the past few months. I'm consistently haunted by faces, experiences, and memories I wish I no longer had. You think I'm being melodramatic. You're probably right. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how horrible all of this feels to me, and if by writing out what I've learned, there's a chance some other poor freshman won't have to go through it, it's worth the time. Not to mention it'll help solidify in my mind where I went wrong, and what I can avoid doing in the future.

Anyway, let's start with the single, most important thing I can take away from the past year:
1) NEVER date a girl less than one (1) year out of Seminary/High School.
If you take nothing else away from this post, take this one. My brother actually told me this last year when I was in Israel, and I wish I'd remembered it now. These girls are absolutely, and almost without exception, completely insane. Let me lay this out for you- I have not been to a girl's seminary in Israel, but I've heard from enough people to know how it works. You no doubt are familiar with the term "flipping out." I prefer another way of describing the process: "BRAIN WASHING." I do not know what kind of mumbo-jumbo hypnosis these Rabbeim in Israel employ, but girls literally go into their seminaries thinking one thing, and come out thinking something completely different, like it was some kind of Sneetch machine from a Dr. Seuss book. Suddenly, girls who were fairly secular, hung out with guys, watched movies, listened to music, and were overall fun-to-be-with, ordinary teenage girl types will stop talking to you because they don't approve of your learning method. They come back with crazy, hard to explain let alone understand hashkafas about how halacha is followed, how Gemara is learned (girls!), and how long their skirts have to be.
This would all be fine and dandy- if it ever actually stuck. No, brain washing is sadly a temporary thing, which tends to wear off like a spell after a year or two in the real world. Around the second half of their first year out of Israel, these girls tend to get seriously distressed over the innate contradictions within themselves, as they begin to realize that they don't believe in the ideas that have been branded onto their brains. On the chutes-and-ladders board game that is Jewish dating, this combination always leads to the "Not Ready To Date" square.
These girls are funny, intelligent, and more often than not downright beautiful, which makes it all the more disappointing when they drop you for not being religious enough for them, when in fact the real problem lies in their own inability to pick a side. Save yourself a few bucket loads of headache and heartache, and steer clear of these girls. Go for the second or third year on campus Stern girls who actually know what the hell they want to do with the rest of their life, not what Rabbi Katz in Israel wanted them to do with it.

2) Be careful who you give your heart to. Not every pretty face is worthy of it.
If you come to YU as inexperienced as I was, you'll be tempted to fall in love with the first pretty girl who shows the faintest interest in you. The way these things work, no matter how "compatible" the match really is, the liking you exhibit on someone will evoke reciprocal feelings, and voila, you could be dating in a week or two. And I'm just gonna say this- guys fall for the looks above anything else fastest. If you're looking for an effective safeguard, make it here: Be sure that you understand that just because the girl is good looking, this does not mean she is as "good looking" on the inside. That might sound corny, but I'm speaking from experience here. Do the background check, it's important. And yes, it's very difficult to keep yourself from falling for someone. But it's much more difficult when you don't even know that this is a problem. Some girls are selfish, some are immature, some are actually evil. There are many traits which can be easily hidden in your mind by good looks, and it can be a big problem to deal with later. I'm not saying you should have a "list" to check every girl you meet against (that's a sem girl tactic), but if you don't have a basic idea of what you're looking for in someone beyond what works for you physically, you're taking a bigger risk than you know getting involved in someone. Once you've "given your heart" to someone, you really can't take it back. You have to live with it. For a long time. So think about that.

3) Know how to tell when someone likes you, and how to deal with it if you don't feel the same.
Ideally, you don't want to break any girl's hearts. Realistically, this probably isn't possible. Girls fall for guys all the time, and it's important that guys be able to tell when this is happening to avoid the whole "stringing along" thing. Again, a naive guy like myself might simply be flattered by any kind of female attention, and that makes it an extremely difficult thing to push away. This is a mistake. If you're anything like me, you know pretty quickly whether or not you like a girl. I've found that initial impressions tell more than you can interpret from them at the time, but if I think back on it- every girl I've dated or even had an interest in, I've always known it from the first second I saw them. So if you're "not sure" whether or not you like them, chances are, you don't. This means that continuing contact with these girls without being clear is leading them on, and more often than not will lead to them getting hurt, because it eventually comes to a point where there's no painless way to end it.

This probably all sounds like high-school stuff, and I think it is. Unfortunately, us orthodox types don't really get these social high-school "lessons", going to all same-sex schools straight through 12th grade and all. This isn't a problem really- you learn these things eventually- unless someone screws up their life and gets engaged to the wrong person before getting it straight. I'm not saying that happens often, but I am saying it happens. So be careful, and be wary of what's going on around you- how you're behaving towards people, and how people are behaving towards you. Because a lot of this stuff is subconscious, and both guys and girls can get hurt very quickly without even realizing what happened.

4) If things should go bad, know how to cope with loss.
Everyone has their own strategies for this. Some people listen to music, some people throw themselves into whatever work they can to distract themselves. Some people drink.

Distractions are important. Sometimes, it ends. And it feels like the entire world just means nothing to you. Personally, I've had my fair share of this to know what it's like. Different people have different reactions to the kind of sadness that accompanies a breakup. Maybe you'll find that your favorite food no longer appeals to you, or that you've got no real desire to eat at all anymore. Maybe you won't be able to sleep. Maybe you won't be able to get up. Maybe your whole existence will suddenly seem gray and dark because this girl is no longer in it...because you mean nothing to her now.

First of all, in situations like this, it's always good to have that friend who will slap you upside the head, and tell you to get your rear in gear. To get over it. To move on. Because there might not be a part of your mind telling you those things, and it's always good to have someone remind you, even if you don't see the reasoning behind the words anymore. Go to class. Get your work done. Eat lunch. Go home. Go to sleep. It ends. It always does. You just need to get through it.

Second, the best thing to do is take your mind off it. You probably won't believe this at the time though. You'll find any reason to continue wallowing in your pond of self-pity, analyzing what happened, what went wrong, how it could have been different.

All the what-ifs.

What-ifs are stupid. The past is the past, the future is what you need to worry about. There can be no harm done by keeping the thought of her out of your mind. Eventually, your experiences with her will leave your short term memory, and when that happens they will no longer haunt you. You will probably never completely forget, I'm sorry to say. But it will no longer trouble you. The emotional component of those memories will be dead, and you won't have to fear thinking about them anymore. Until then, Xbox it up! Go see some movies. Hang out with your friends. Go out, laugh, enjoy yourself. Look at everything you have. Don't let this girl be the end for you. She's not worth it, and you know it. If she were, she wouldn't have left you.

Knowing how to deal with these things is important, but preferably you don't want to get here. By being careful with yourself, and with how you treat others, things don't need to be ugly and painful. After all, we're all adults. At least, in theory. And I believe that if I'd had these things in mind this year, shit would have gone down quite differently.
I recently went to my aunt's house for the weekend, where I was senselessly interrogated by my 5 year old cousin about my dating woes. After a few basic questions about some past girlfriends, she came up with the helpful form you see above to determine if the girl (now engaged) still "likes" me.
Things can seem a lot simpler when you're five.