My time at YU: Looking backward- and looking forward

"YU? Are you sure?"

My dad asked me the question from inside the lit bedroom, as I stood out in the dark hall. My mom sat at the computer, and I think I saw the look go across her face when she realized how much this decision was going to cost her. "YU?" I thought. 

I'd gone through various college options throughout my senior year of high school. University brochures were scattered across the table in the center of our 4-man Yeshiva bedroom. UWM. Saint John's. Queens. MSOE. MATC. 

Yeshiva University. 

I remember there was a brief period when I wasn't sure if I'd make it in. When I was contemplating what I'd do if they turned me down. How I'd deal with the decision. Knowing what I know now, that was a crazy thought to have. But I remember when my dad called me on my cell phone (illegal in my Yeshiva) with the approval letter, I was happy. I'd been accepted! I was going to New York! I wasn't sure of what it all meant, but I knew exactly why I'd chosen YU. The same reason most Jews choose it, I imagine- it's Jewish. The thought of going to a non-Jewish university with no friends was an even less-happy thought than the prospect of going to a Jewish institution with no friends. At least we'd have something in common. I could make a home there. I could be happy. True, I didn't know what I wanted to go into, but I figured that story would be the same no matter what college I went to, and I'd have plenty of time to figure it out along the way. Overall, I wanted to stay the religious Jew that I was, and I didn't see that happening in a place like UW. 

So, I went. The first few months were miserable. I felt alone, homesick, friendless. When my dad and I pulled up to the school with my aunt and grandmother, I heard about his first time being dropped off on Amsterdam Avenue, when he got out of the car and instantly had a group of friends apparate to help him unload his bags. "You're going to have that group of friends too." he told me. "It's all about making connections." I was skeptical at the time. I'd never been the popular guy at anything I did, and I was used to it. 

Throughout the year I broke out of my shell a bit. I had no choice, every face was new to me. I went out, tried to get myself noticed in my own quirky way. I got a radio show, in which I used large amounts of caffeine and sugar to overcome my meekness. I got involved in drama, and thank goodness for that- I don't think anything at YU helped me decide on my career more than YCDS did. Nothing taught me more about working with a team, about building something spectacular and showing it off, about "show business"- or about myself. It was here where I made my closest friends, overcame my greatest fears, and truly found something I enjoyed doing for its own sake. 

Despite this, I waffled for a long time in my undeclared computer science degree. "Computers!" I thought, "Sure, I like computers! I could be a  programmer!" My intro course, was, unfortunately, atrocious. But still, I enjoyed the prospect of being able to write a program and make the Big Bucks off being a server administrator, so I stuck with it for a few more semesters, mostly taking Information Management classes in the business school, since they had the better professor. 

At the end of the year, I decided that while I'd made major strides in my social scene, I felt lacking in the Israel department. Everyone I met at YU asked me "where I went" in Israel- it was always difficult to explain why I'd never given it a try. I thought I'd be morbidly homesick, basically. But I was already living in New York, how different could it be, really? And everyone came back from Israel with a group of buddies- maybe that was what I was missing? Plus, it'd give me some time to really answer the questions I had about my own religion- questions which a decade and a half of yeshivish education had done a depressingly bad job of answering. 

So I was off to Israel! Fall 2010 certainly had its challenges for me. After only two shows, I already missed working with YCDS. But Israel was exciting in its own way, and while the living conditions were not as nice as YU or even my old high school dorms, they were still workable. The food wasn't bad. The rosh yeshiva was charismatic and friendly enough. I was unfortunately placed in a shiur above his for the majority of my time there, a shiur given by a rabbi with a high, raspy voice which rarely ventured above a whisper. Much of what he said I either didn't catch, or was really above my understanding anyways. I tuned out for much of the time. I loathed the long hours of seder, and longed for the end of the day (which was around 10pm), at which time I could finally get out and go see the city with my friends. 

I visited my many relatives in Israel, and I got to spend time with my brother, who was going through the army at the time. He taught me some very important things that I didn't listen to, but really what else was new. My questions didn't get answers that agreed with me, and though the rabbi tried his best, he was often exhausted or unavailable, and so I was only able to meet with him a few times. I did not feel that special connection I think most Jews have to the land of Israel, and when the British kids of the yeshiva started to get unbearable, I decided to call it an early night and left Israel only half a year in. It's not a decision I regret, I only wish it hadn't needed to be made. I'd still like to go back someday soon, if I can. 

Spring 2011 marked my return to YU, still officially going for computer science, but only out of lack for a better major. I thought I would spend time in Israel thinking about what kind of career I wanted, but it didn't really work out that way, and I came back to New York in much the same place as I'd been when I left. I was a bit more open, more outgoing, and made many more friendships this semester while strengthening the old ones. It was then that I took an intro to Psych course, and decided that I enjoyed that and found it more interesting than programming. So that officially became a switch at the beginning of the next semester. I was so happy to be back with YCDS, but something new really churned within me, something I'd never given a second thought before- girls. 

Sure, they were always there, but it irritated me much more now that I didn't seem to have the confidence to go out and talk to them. What did I have to offer them, I thought to myself? I only considered myself average in looks, and with no real accomplishments or goals to speak of, what did I really have to talk about? 

I lucked out the next semester in one way- my awesome sister landed me my first official internship with YU's PR department. I was going to be making videos for their Youtube channel, something I'd enjoyed doing since forever. My first project necessitated some footage from a Stern classroom, and so I needed a girl to do the filming for me. Ah HA! I had my excuse. Quite at random, I threw myself into a group of girls sitting around in Rubin and asked for their services. Two of them seemed uninterested, but one delivered the next day. We got to talking, seemed to get along…and it definitely didn't seem like the way the greatest nightmare of my life would start. But it was. 

The words "Fall 2011" still give me a dark feeling when I look at them on my transcript. My grades plummeted as my depression intensified. I was trapped for many months in a horrible situation, unable to say goodbye but unable to prove myself to her. And so it was a never-ending source of grief. Despite this, we continued to grow closer. Eventually he forced us to end whatever it was we had, a move which should have really been made long ago. In that final Skype call, I had no words to say. "Can you just smile for me?" she asked. With tears in my eyes, I declined. 

"Sorry for ruining your life!" she said, half-chuckling as she said it. Like it was almost a joke. 

"Don't worry," was my reply, "you can only break my heart so many times."

Her head went down into her hands. This was not some selfish, careless girl who needed as much attention from as many guys as she could get. This was a well-meaning person, torn and forced to make an awful choice, and sometimes I still lose sight of the fact that she did care. She never wanted to hurt me, no one did. The words I heard again and again without end: "It was just a terrible situation, and you got caught in the middle." 

None of that helped me come to grips with what had happened, or why. Because there was no why. And there was no closure. Even now, I feel that there's something she should say to me to take it all away, but I'm sure neither one of us knows what that could possibly be.

A few months later, I thought I had again found love. A bright, bouncy girl with an infectious laugh and great smile. Someone who could again laugh at my jokes, and even possessed the ability to make dorkier ones. Someone who rolled with the punches no matter what came her way. I came to know her in a way I suspect few people do; as a serious, critical thinker. But again, it was not to be, and after striking out for the second time, my bitterness was only compounded. I experienced hatred for a while, which had once only been a concept for me. I HATED seminaries, I HATED yeshivas. I called them brainwashers and hypocrites. I wrote a post or two which reflected that hatred. It faded after a few months, and now I view things differently. I eventually came to terms with the fact that it again wasn't anybody's fault- it just didn't work out. It wasn't "right". So I did my best to let it go, and to make peace with it. 

Out of this massively depressing school year came a surprisingly productive summer. Working in a local TV station, I finally really knew what career I wanted to pursue. It still bothered me terribly that I couldn't look forward to a future with anybody in particular, but I knew deep down that someone would come along someday. My theater experience soon culminated with my work as YCDS's stage manager, and at last I felt proud of myself just for being me. I was proud of the person I'd become, and I think it was then that I really knew I had a bright future ahead. 

Nowadays, I'm no stranger walking around YU. I have that group of friends who help me with my bags. I've made so many connections which I know will last me the rest of my life. I've been through so many things with so many different people, from sitting in the caf and joking about our miserable love lives, to fighting alongside them to keep our dramatics society in the school budget. I've learned so much, and while I still have doubts about certain parts of halacha and the Torah, I've discovered that I'm far from being the only one. I think I've settled on a level of observance I'm comfortable with and believe in, and in my mind that's the most important thing. I've grown, and I've prospered. I have a resume which I will be proud to present to employers after I graduate in May. I have the greatest friends a guy could ask for. And while I still may not have met that special someone yet, I'm going to keep trying. Because I'm once again convinced that she is out there somewhere. 

Looking back on it all, I could never have imagined how much was riding on the answer to my father's simple question. Where would I be now if I'd chosen one of those other universities? Would things have been better, or worse? With the exception of one or two episodes, I don't feel that things could be much better for me than they are now. I really have so much to look forward to when I'm done here, and I'm in such a good position to tackle the world and whatever challenges it plans on throwing at me. And I did it all while not only maintaining my Judaism, but strengthening and molding it into something which really matters to me on a personal level.

So for all the memories, friendships, late nights (whether they were in the theater or writing papers) for the dreams and for the nightmares, both of which taught me important lessons, and for providing me with that torch of light to keep me on the right path, even when it got narrow and jagged- for all of it, I thank you, Yeshiva University. 

Nowhere but here. 

A Word on Modesty

You know, I'm not against modesty as an attribute. It's an incredibly important thing to have, and obviously something everyone should try to strive for. 

That being said, this is not modesty. This is psychological warfare on the human condition. 

I've got a pretty poor opinion of many elements of Orthodoxy as a whole right now. I've come off of a year full of pretty awful experiences, most of them caused by girls who thought they were too frum for me, so you can understand my distaste with the whole idea. Not that I'm justifying it, just telling it like it is. But it's in this atmosphere that I'm starting to learn where I stand on many important things, and "tznius" has always been an interesting question to me. 

Frankly, I've always found the skirt and sleeves thing pretty ridiculous. Being a boy, it was never accurately explained to me in school why girls were forced to dress the way they did, while boys had a much laxer dress code. In my enlightened adolescence, I now know that it is due to the Jewish requirement for people to be modest- and that is part of how women have to do it. It's considered vile, uncivilized, and unbecoming for a Jewish girl to expose her elbows, knees, or neckline. 

So, why not just wear a burka? Shouldn't that be considered laudable, the greatest geder one can imagine? No? Burkas are too far? So why draw the line here exactly? 

Oh, I'm sure you've got scriptural sources. I can't wait to see those. You know what? Spare me. You give me one way to read those psukim, and I'll give you five more. I can do that all day. Of course, my word doesn't count as much as the 500+ year old rabbeim you're going to cite, because they're...older? When it comes down to it, the Torah is the Torah, and every opinion you'll ever see on how to read it is just a slightly more educated guess, each with its own author shoving some kind of personal ethic into the mix. It's just too bad that the one document we are supposed to base every facet of our lives around is so terribly vague about everything that we can't agree on a single word of it. 

I guess what bothers me most about all this though, is that it stinks of people missing the point. It's a recurring theme I seem to find in my religion, where focus tends to be drawn to something which should be secondary. For example, in my Israeli yeshiva, a speaker was brought in to discuss the obligation of lulav and esrog around Succos time. "Finally!" I thought to myself, "I've always wondered what the heck this is really about. Maybe someone is finally going to explain it to me." 

I was disappointed when the Rabbi spent a whopping one slide on the source of the mitzvah (a pasuk- lovely), and proceeded to spend the next hour or so telling me how big my esrog had to be, and how long the lulav had to extend, and how many leaves had to be on the hadassim and aravos. 

I just sat there in the back of the Beis Medrash, visibly distraught, wondering what the heck was going on. How can you expect me to do these outlandish things without fully understanding why I'm doing them? Shouldn't the more important facet of this practice be the why, not the what? Does no one else have a problem with this? Hello?

As Jews, we spend a heck of a lot more time talking about the whys than the whats. Obviously the "whats" have a great deal of significance, but shouldn't they take a backseat to understanding why you should be doing them in the first place? Take tznius for example- everybody knows the whats of tznius. There are fuzzy boundaries at the edges, but most people agree on the skirt-sleeves-collar thing. But have these girls who make themselves dress this way everyday ever questioned the whys involved? I guess for most people, "the pasuk says so" is good enough. Personally, I find living my life following a strict regimin of rules for a reason like that to be quite dreary, following the rules for the sake of the rules themselves. Surely there must be more?

Now on to modesty. I don't have to tell you that there are plenty of skirts which are more revealing than a pair of pants. Or that even when skirts are lower than knee-length, I think we've all been in situations where pants would simply be more...modest. I can't tell you how many girls I've seen sit on a couch or a chair, and futilely try to pull their skirts over their knees so there isn't a clear shot to their crotch (this usually fails, maybe on purpose for all I know). The point is, if you're talking about covering skin, you can't get more coverage than pants. As for the argument about seeing the shape of the legs as you do with pants, I don't even know what to do with this. Girls have legs! They're there, trust me we all know it. If you're attracted to a girl, a skirt is not going to prevent that from happening. I think this rule is arcane, and in serious need of an update. Of course, updates are heresy, so good luck with that. But here, let's talk about the specific length, in inches, that your skirt and sleeves must be. Because that is something we can explain.

Fact is, when it comes to the laws of tznius, if you're looking for logical explanations that can hold their own in the real world, you're going to have a tough time. The same goes for a married woman's need to cover her hair. I've actually heard that this doesn't really apply until after the woman has had sex, and we just don't make the single girls cover it because we don't want them to be embarrassed (this of course makes me wonder what kind of single girl would have premarital sex, but be worried about her hair being covered). 

Now I am at a bit of a disadvantage here, because obviously a girl's hair is attractive, and covering it up definitely puts a damper on that effect. No, my problem here is a bit different- more like, why? How must these women feel, knowing that they are complying with a law specifically designed to make them less pretty? That they're fulfilling the will of God by making themselves more ugly? Why does this sound so Taliban to me? Hey, I've got a better idea- let's take all the energy we're putting into enforcing and educating girls about this rule, and instead put it towards internal morality. Is this rule in place to prevent adultery? Maybe emphasize how bad that is instead! And then they wear wigs? So you can cover your hair and still look pretty? Does this make sense to anybody else? This loophole is one of the most bizarre, most widely accepted rules in the entirety of halacha, and there's certainly no one rushing to explain it. 

Whether or not you agree with anything I've written thus far, you have to agree that if you're going to convince children of something, the above story is not the way to do it, a story which by the way would not seem even slightly out of place at my old high school, or the one my sister is currently attending. Scaring the shit out of these girls to make them wear floor-sweepers and baggy sweaters is not a good way to set their moral compass. Maybe instead of telling them that they'll be boiled alive in the afterlife for exposing their knees to the general public, emphasis what it means to be modest, and why it's important and valuable, on the inside if not the outside. Although the way I see it, if a girl is internally moral, she'll be externally moral as well. But I guess that hasn't really been tried in the Bais Yaakov system. 

2011-2012: Final Thoughts

When I look back on this entire past year, I see two things. First, I see immense mountains of grief and pain, things which had not been significant in my life for a very long time, if ever. I look back on the previous post on this blog and practically laugh at my own naivety. In writing that post, I never dreamed what an attempt such as the one I made in September could possibly put me through.

But on the other hand, I see how much I've changed since then, the important lessons I've learned, and how much good these lessons will do me in the future. I wonder how much of the pain could have been avoided, what were the good decisions, and what were the bad ones. As much as I hate to revisit this year's events, I also find it important to inspect how I reacted in these different situations, in order to better predict how I can prevent these things in the future. Or at least dull them. And if I were coming up on August 2011 all over again, there are a number of things I'd want to warn myself about. I know simply hearing these things from someone else wouldn't effectively teach me the lessons as much as going through the experiences themselves would, but I think it would have avoided one or two things. And that's worthwhile, in the end. You'll have to forgive the somewhat mopey tone of this blog post, but I haven't been in the best of moods for the past four months or so. It's only getting better, as I like to say, but I can't help but think that I've been permanently damaged by the types of connections I've had to severe the past few months. I'm consistently haunted by faces, experiences, and memories I wish I no longer had. You think I'm being melodramatic. You're probably right. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how horrible all of this feels to me, and if by writing out what I've learned, there's a chance some other poor freshman won't have to go through it, it's worth the time. Not to mention it'll help solidify in my mind where I went wrong, and what I can avoid doing in the future.

Anyway, let's start with the single, most important thing I can take away from the past year:
1) NEVER date a girl less than one (1) year out of Seminary/High School.
If you take nothing else away from this post, take this one. My brother actually told me this last year when I was in Israel, and I wish I'd remembered it now. These girls are absolutely, and almost without exception, completely insane. Let me lay this out for you- I have not been to a girl's seminary in Israel, but I've heard from enough people to know how it works. You no doubt are familiar with the term "flipping out." I prefer another way of describing the process: "BRAIN WASHING." I do not know what kind of mumbo-jumbo hypnosis these Rabbeim in Israel employ, but girls literally go into their seminaries thinking one thing, and come out thinking something completely different, like it was some kind of Sneetch machine from a Dr. Seuss book. Suddenly, girls who were fairly secular, hung out with guys, watched movies, listened to music, and were overall fun-to-be-with, ordinary teenage girl types will stop talking to you because they don't approve of your learning method. They come back with crazy, hard to explain let alone understand hashkafas about how halacha is followed, how Gemara is learned (girls!), and how long their skirts have to be.
This would all be fine and dandy- if it ever actually stuck. No, brain washing is sadly a temporary thing, which tends to wear off like a spell after a year or two in the real world. Around the second half of their first year out of Israel, these girls tend to get seriously distressed over the innate contradictions within themselves, as they begin to realize that they don't believe in the ideas that have been branded onto their brains. On the chutes-and-ladders board game that is Jewish dating, this combination always leads to the "Not Ready To Date" square.
These girls are funny, intelligent, and more often than not downright beautiful, which makes it all the more disappointing when they drop you for not being religious enough for them, when in fact the real problem lies in their own inability to pick a side. Save yourself a few bucket loads of headache and heartache, and steer clear of these girls. Go for the second or third year on campus Stern girls who actually know what the hell they want to do with the rest of their life, not what Rabbi Katz in Israel wanted them to do with it.

2) Be careful who you give your heart to. Not every pretty face is worthy of it.
If you come to YU as inexperienced as I was, you'll be tempted to fall in love with the first pretty girl who shows the faintest interest in you. The way these things work, no matter how "compatible" the match really is, the liking you exhibit on someone will evoke reciprocal feelings, and voila, you could be dating in a week or two. And I'm just gonna say this- guys fall for the looks above anything else fastest. If you're looking for an effective safeguard, make it here: Be sure that you understand that just because the girl is good looking, this does not mean she is as "good looking" on the inside. That might sound corny, but I'm speaking from experience here. Do the background check, it's important. And yes, it's very difficult to keep yourself from falling for someone. But it's much more difficult when you don't even know that this is a problem. Some girls are selfish, some are immature, some are actually evil. There are many traits which can be easily hidden in your mind by good looks, and it can be a big problem to deal with later. I'm not saying you should have a "list" to check every girl you meet against (that's a sem girl tactic), but if you don't have a basic idea of what you're looking for in someone beyond what works for you physically, you're taking a bigger risk than you know getting involved in someone. Once you've "given your heart" to someone, you really can't take it back. You have to live with it. For a long time. So think about that.

3) Know how to tell when someone likes you, and how to deal with it if you don't feel the same.
Ideally, you don't want to break any girl's hearts. Realistically, this probably isn't possible. Girls fall for guys all the time, and it's important that guys be able to tell when this is happening to avoid the whole "stringing along" thing. Again, a naive guy like myself might simply be flattered by any kind of female attention, and that makes it an extremely difficult thing to push away. This is a mistake. If you're anything like me, you know pretty quickly whether or not you like a girl. I've found that initial impressions tell more than you can interpret from them at the time, but if I think back on it- every girl I've dated or even had an interest in, I've always known it from the first second I saw them. So if you're "not sure" whether or not you like them, chances are, you don't. This means that continuing contact with these girls without being clear is leading them on, and more often than not will lead to them getting hurt, because it eventually comes to a point where there's no painless way to end it.

This probably all sounds like high-school stuff, and I think it is. Unfortunately, us orthodox types don't really get these social high-school "lessons", going to all same-sex schools straight through 12th grade and all. This isn't a problem really- you learn these things eventually- unless someone screws up their life and gets engaged to the wrong person before getting it straight. I'm not saying that happens often, but I am saying it happens. So be careful, and be wary of what's going on around you- how you're behaving towards people, and how people are behaving towards you. Because a lot of this stuff is subconscious, and both guys and girls can get hurt very quickly without even realizing what happened.

4) If things should go bad, know how to cope with loss.
Everyone has their own strategies for this. Some people listen to music, some people throw themselves into whatever work they can to distract themselves. Some people drink.

Distractions are important. Sometimes, it ends. And it feels like the entire world just means nothing to you. Personally, I've had my fair share of this to know what it's like. Different people have different reactions to the kind of sadness that accompanies a breakup. Maybe you'll find that your favorite food no longer appeals to you, or that you've got no real desire to eat at all anymore. Maybe you won't be able to sleep. Maybe you won't be able to get up. Maybe your whole existence will suddenly seem gray and dark because this girl is no longer in it...because you mean nothing to her now.

First of all, in situations like this, it's always good to have that friend who will slap you upside the head, and tell you to get your rear in gear. To get over it. To move on. Because there might not be a part of your mind telling you those things, and it's always good to have someone remind you, even if you don't see the reasoning behind the words anymore. Go to class. Get your work done. Eat lunch. Go home. Go to sleep. It ends. It always does. You just need to get through it.

Second, the best thing to do is take your mind off it. You probably won't believe this at the time though. You'll find any reason to continue wallowing in your pond of self-pity, analyzing what happened, what went wrong, how it could have been different.

All the what-ifs.

What-ifs are stupid. The past is the past, the future is what you need to worry about. There can be no harm done by keeping the thought of her out of your mind. Eventually, your experiences with her will leave your short term memory, and when that happens they will no longer haunt you. You will probably never completely forget, I'm sorry to say. But it will no longer trouble you. The emotional component of those memories will be dead, and you won't have to fear thinking about them anymore. Until then, Xbox it up! Go see some movies. Hang out with your friends. Go out, laugh, enjoy yourself. Look at everything you have. Don't let this girl be the end for you. She's not worth it, and you know it. If she were, she wouldn't have left you.

Knowing how to deal with these things is important, but preferably you don't want to get here. By being careful with yourself, and with how you treat others, things don't need to be ugly and painful. After all, we're all adults. At least, in theory. And I believe that if I'd had these things in mind this year, shit would have gone down quite differently.
I recently went to my aunt's house for the weekend, where I was senselessly interrogated by my 5 year old cousin about my dating woes. After a few basic questions about some past girlfriends, she came up with the helpful form you see above to determine if the girl (now engaged) still "likes" me.
Things can seem a lot simpler when you're five.

Corn Chips Are No Place For A Mighty Warrior

I came back from the play pretty frustrated tonight.

Which doesn't really make sense, considering tonight was the best night we've had since we started on Saturday night. The audience loved it! They were laughing at everything, and much more than anyone else had. At the curtain call, things went crazy- cheering, some shrieking which I have to admit I did not expect. The show went perfectly. I should be happy.

But what I think I realized tonight was that none of that really goes to me. And when I started out with YCDS a year and a half ago, I thought that was what I wanted. The spotlight is not for me, not in my worst nightmares, but I love the tech. It was back when I thought I could be a movie producer, and that having experience running a play would look good as experience when I tried to intern with Viacom.

Such hopes have faded as I've become aware of several things about Show Business:
1)You must be extremely talented, and you must believe that very strongly.
2)You must be extremely lucky.
3)You must be extremely devoted, and work like a horse.
4)You cannot possibly remain religious if you hope to get anywhere.

That last one basically did it for me. But the other things are true too. Money is not a great enough motivation to get me to really work the way famous directors have. Although I do love making movies even when I'm not being paid- in making the spoof for the play, I can hardly tear myself away from it, which is something I can't say about most productive things.
So maybe I'd have the motivation, and I also believe I have talent. In fact, I think if I gave it my all, I could be very successful in the movie industry. But that's best case scenario, and I'm not interested in it anyways if I can't always get kosher food, or get glares from people for wearing a yarmulke.

So that was last year's dilemma. My career plans since then have shifted from one form to the next over time, but it seems like I'm going to settle with computers. It something that interests me, I also have a talent for it, and it makes a decent amount of money. We'll see how all that actually holds up when I start taking serious programming courses over the summer.

But why was I so frustrated after tonight's show? Well, let me try to explain something. I've been working the show for five nights now. Every night the theater is packed, and every night everyone comes in. With their dates. I just get to sit in the booth and watch. I hate to say it (and I'm not sure why) but it just makes me sick to my stomach. It's like having to sit in front of a perfectly grilled steak when you're fasting. I don't know, it makes me crazy. It's there, dangling in front of me every night, and I lack the wits, or the gall, to reach for it. I suppose deep down, or maybe not so deep down, I know that it's not something I should be starting with yet (my sister can't stand the thought of me wanting to date, but I think that's just because it makes her feel old), but when everyone else around me- really everyone- seems to be doing just that, it makes me feel socially inadequate. As well it should- I am in fact socially inadequate. Two years and I have few real friends to show for it. Is it the fact that the people here are unlike the people I've ever encountered before? Is it because I lack a solid base to jump from since I came here alone? Or is it just that I have some kind of deficiency, either because of the schools I went to or something about how I was brought up? Either way, the problem is there, and it interestingly leaves me with many friends here, but no one who I can really rely on as a close friend.

This is all very important, because it is leading me to do something which may be a terrible mistake. I applied to a school which I know to be worse than YU, and I'm mostly doing it just to be with my friends. Scratch that, to be with one. Just one. Can you imagine how desperate I must be. There are many redeeming features about the school, but it really can't compare to Yeshiva University, and everyone I've spoken to has said the same. I can convince myself of virtually anything, but at the end of the day I think I know that transferring is not a good idea. Would I really be happier? Granted I will have friends there, but I will be constantly chafing against an administration which propagates ideas which I surprisingly no longer believe in. Did I ever believe in them? Wits was a lifetime ago, I can't even remember anymore.


I realize I haven't written anything on here since I left Israel- I would just like to say that I don't think leaving was the wrong decision at all. That's not to say I don't miss it- I loved it there, and I'm glad I'm able to recall the happier things about the place instead of the less enjoyable aspects of the experience. I think leaving was the right decision, I'm just upset that it was. It's true what they say about 90% of the people here going through Israel first. Many of them didn't want to leave- their parents forced them to go back to the states and get a college education. So many of the people here seem to be in some kind of denial, it's like they think they're still in Israel. I'm not sure what makes me say this- the way the dress, the way they talk, their pure tzioni outlook, their "tafs." It bugs me to no end- I am the only one in my shiur (besides the rebbe, strangely) who ever pronounces a "saf." I for one was not so taken by Israel, unlike about 90% of the people in YU. Does that mean I belong in a more right wing place, which sponsors a learning seder during the superbowl and could care less about Israel? No, I don't think so. My values do not swing completely one way or the other. YU will allow me to hold a middle ground- I just need to find some people like me and hang out with them, acquire a base of friends, that kind of thing.

The theater was supposed to help me do that as well, and in a way it has more than anything else I've done on campus. I'm becoming a regular at the theater- all the old people know me now, and the new people will soon enough. And as I become more and more comfortable, I branch out more, and feel more confident about myself. One thing is for sure- I'm not depressed here. I just wish I had some more friends I guess. My roommate is of no benefit whatsoever- that had been one of my plans back in Israel. Have a roommate this time, go to events with him, hang out with his friends, etc. Ha. My roommate has less friends than I do, and goes to sleep at 11 every night.

I should feel good about myself. Despite my outlook, things are getting better. There are still far more people here I don't know at all, and many of them I may never know. But I don't have to. I just need to have a small group of close friends, and I think I will get that over time. I just need to break out of my established comfort zone, and extend it.
As for girls, there's not much for me to say. There are a number of things holding me back from actively looking for a girlfriend, and as they are not exactly flocking to me either, I say we call it a draw for now. I absolutely hate the prospect of being one of those shidduch daters three or four years from now who never talked to a girl before, but somehow I don't think that's going to be the case. Make no mistake- waiting is painful, and the fact that these girls are everywhere amplifies my frustration. But it is a small comfort to know that when I one day become socially competent enough, they will still be coming uptown to get pizza and listen to lectures, which is more than I can say for Touro.

Greetings from the Holy Land!

So it would seem blogging is back. I mean, my sisters blogging again, I'm blogging again…who else do you need? Here I'd thought this was kind of a fad which got old around mid-2009, and yet every once and again I decide to post my deepest thoughts on the internet where just about anyone and everyone can read it. I usually don't do this anymore unless I'm really having a hard time making a decision, as I suppose you could tell by looking at some of my previous posts, half of which seem to be about laptops. 

How have things been going here the last three months? Well if you asked me that, I'd probably tell you something like "pretty good" since there's way too much information involved in the answer to that question to put into words. So it's a good thing you didn't ask me, or you'd have just been wasting your time. Luckily, I've asked the question for you, and so I've decided to answer it in the only way I can think of- by writing it all out. Of course, when I come back to Milwaukee and everyone in shul or wherever asks me how Israel was, I'll have to give them the short answer, which usually leaves people pretty unsatisfied and kind of confused. 

Anyway, it's November now and I've been on the three-seder schedule for about three months now. And I must say it has started to get to me. I learn close to nine hours a day, and the rest of the time there doesn't seem to be much else to do. Everyone else here seems pretty bored. It's a good thing nobody listened to the no-laptops rule, because that seems to be the only thing most people do around here. We've even set up our own computer to computer network and played games against each other.

Now I know what you're thinking right now- "You're in Israel! How could you be spending your free time playing computer games with your friends?" It's a fair question, but I hope I'll have answered it by the end of this post. Of course the odds of me finishing this post seem to be diminishing- I've been interrupted twice already and I have another half an hour. 

Here's the truth- I don't really know what else to do with myself. Sure, in the first few weeks we all went to town and checked out ben yehuda and the old city and the kotel and all that, and it was cool for awhile. But now what? I can't exactly go touring Israel between 11:00pm and 12:30. I still do go down to town quite frequently- usually for felafel, a food which I can only eat in Israel for reasons I have yet to discover. But besides for getting food (and the food is good- many of you know it is the center of my universe) I don't see much reason to spend the money on the bus to go downtown. Many people go every night, and that's because they came here to party. I did not, and I'm kind of surprised that people like that actually wind up here. 

They've been a major damper on the experience, these party-people. Around half my yeshiva of 30 kids was made up of party-people when I first got here. Some have left, but a nice chunk of it is still, well, white trash. I had expected maybe two or three people to be like this, but when it's closer to six or seven it kind of ruins things. The front of the yeshiva always smells like cigarette smoke (and so does my room occasionally), people steal things from the fridge, the kitchen has been broken into a couple times already, etc. I didn't fly thousands of miles away from home when I was perfectly comfortable in New York to spend a year with people like this. 

There are of course some really great guys here, and I don't mean to exclude them. There are some of my closest friends from high school, without whom I probably wouldn't be here to begin with, and there's a number of other guys I've met also (pretty much everyone who isn't british, actually)  who are just fantastic people, and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to meet them. Without these people, I'm sure I'd be utterly miserable here. I mean, I've never been a huge fan of learning gemara, as I'm sure many of you know. I'm not bad at it, and I've been told by many knowledgable people that I actually have a flair for it, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. But that's part of why I'm here. I thought I'd get the chance to learn more of the "whys" of my religion, rather than the "whats" which I've focused on my whole life already.

I discovered last year that the "whats" don't hold up without the "whys", and I wish I'd discovered that sooner. I was left on my own last year, with zero supervision, and what I discovered was that I was left with zero motivation. My davening was a joke last year, as was my learning, and I'm not proud of that. I had hoped that coming here would give me a different perspective on things, and would give me the motivation I need to come to davening without a minyan point system, and be able to learn without getting a grade. 

For the most part, I seem to have been mistaken. 

There is one part of my day where, about once a week, I can ask one of my rabbeim some of the questions I have about, well yiddishkeit. And that's not nothing. I've learned a great deal from those sessions since August. But I get the feeling that I'm wasting 90% of my time here by just piling on more and more gemara. My rosh yeshiva is convinced that if I stay for an additional six months, I will continue to grow in my learning. That's fantastic, but I'm not really interested in it, and certainly not in these conditions. In fact those words kind of make me nauseous at this point. I don't need to be better at reading a gemara- I need to know why I'm reading it in the first place! I mean really, I've spent the last ten years learning HOW to read a gemara, but I can't keep myself dedicated to it if I don't understand the reason behind it. 

That's something I couldn't get at YU, so I thought I'd come here and hear their take on it. So far, I haven't heard anything new, and my belief is that that's not likely to change. I have learned about quite a few other things I wasn't sure about, and in that respect coming here was a great chizuk, But I really was much happier in the states, and I'd still like to get back there as soon as I can. 

I realize that sounds like a mistake to a lot of people. Lots of people view Israel in this bold, perfect light. Like it's heaven or something. "How could you want to leave Israel? Aren't you enjoying yourself? What do you have in America that can't wait another six months?"

That's not the question. The question is, what do I have here that I need to stay another six months?

The best argument I can think of is the fact that my friends are here, my brother is here, my relatives are here, and my father's friends are here (and they've all been really great!). This more than anything else is what make the decision to leave early tough. I'm all too happy to leave the english lads and their cigarettes, as well as the subpar living conditions (toilet paper!), but when I think about leaving these amazing people, some of whom I've known my whole life, I hesitate. I had no close friends at YU, and that is the one aspect of it I'm not looking forward to. But I didn't really try last year, did I? I had my own dorm room, I spent more time at my sisters apartment playing xbox than anything else- who's surprised? I feel if I make more of an effort when I come back in January, the social scene in New York will look much better for me. And I can't make the decision to stay just to be with these people. I can't be with them forever. 

As for the land itself, people told me before I came about the "connection" you get with Israel by going, and how it couldn't be described, you just had to go see for yourself. Well, it still can't be described in my mind, because I still have no idea what those people were talking about. You can say three months isn't enough time to let a bond like that grow, so I guess maybe I just don't have the patience for it. Or maybe I'll never get it. Regardless, it's not something that's keeping me here. I don't feel any kind of connection to this place- I'm far more connected to Milwaukee, the place where I actually grew up. I don't feel at home here. Maybe I haven't been to the right places, but I just feel like the Jews that live here are just a different kind of people. It's a world I can't really relate to, where in some places it's ordained by halacha that you throw stones at cars, or pour bleach on seminary girls. If anything, going to charaidi places like netanya and mean shearim have shaken my trust in Judaism. 

We go to tishes in Netanya, with thousands of chassidim sitting around a table watching their rebbe eat, and the whole time people ask me "isn't this amazing? aren't you inspired?" But it just makes me feel more distant to my religion. I don't believe the same thing these people do. They are their own breed of Judaism. They don't inspire me, and I don't connect with them at all. 

That's four interruptions. I seem to be annoying some people, so I guess I'll end this off here. I think I've covered everything, right? I've completely lost my train of thought anyways. Overall, of course I'm glad I came here, and I think I've grown a great deal from the experience in many ways, but I am really looking forward to coming back. And the rosh can call my father if he wants to (on sunday, look out) but I do kind of wish, at least for once, someone would respect my decision. It hasn't been an easy one to make, but I've made it already. Please stop trying to change my mind, because it might work.  

Yup, it's still summer

Jeez, I could use a job.

Like a real one, the kind that pays money. I've applied to literally dozens of places this summer, with absolutely no result. No one has even thought to call me in for an interview. About a third of the jobs I applied to at least had the courtesy to tell me they were no longer interested in me, but the other two thirds just ignored me. Pretty annoying. Why did I spend all that time with Perel writing a resume? Oh well, I'm sure it'll come in handy eventually.

I may get a job working at my old high school this summer, but so far that seems to be a long shot. I've heard nothing from anyone official yet, but rumors have reached me that they need more people. "Trying's all we've got!"

The IDEAL thing which I would die to do this summer is work on the Transformers 3 movie which will be filming here the week of July 12th. But I have absolutely no idea how to even get in touch with the people who are looking for local students to be PA's, and by now I think it's probably too late anyways. The chances of me getting Shia Labeouf coffee are pretty slim at this point. But getting a job like that- just unbelievable. Can you imagine what that would look like on a resume?

As for what I am doing around here, well not a whole lot. I have some friends who are in town for the next week or so, and we're going to hang out as much as we can before they all go to their respective sleep away camps in New York or whatever. Perel's coming back tomorrow night, and she'll be here for a little while, so that'll be fun. Oh, and as for this whole Dr. Apikores video- it has, as I feared, come to a bit of a stall. We still have some shooting (and believe it or not, some writing) to do before I can finish it up, but hopefully I'll get that done within the next few days. I did just discover that the Askotzky's have a giant white screen on their second floor I can use as a background- so I'm going to see if that's possible. Also, now Perel can be in the movie if she so desires. So it may be a little while longer, but it will b grand.

Close encounters of the Peanut kind

And here you have it, my obligatory blog of the month. The truth is, I think of stuff I should really write down all the time, but I guess there's just so much that none of it ends up on paper, er screen. And some of the stuff I'd really like to get into would take so long to write, and I don't have the patience for that kind of thing.
As you may have heard, I am working on a new Doctor Apikores video, and it is so far the coolest video I've ever made. It may be another week or two before it hits youtube, but rest assured it will be worth the wait.
So I guess while I'm here I might as well share with you my close encounter from earlier today. I was making lunch, which is a task which seems to be becoming more pathetic by the day. Today I was baking a piece of fish in the toaster oven, and I decided to eat something in the meantime, since it was going to take twenty minutes to bake. An ice cream sandwich in the freezer caught my eye. It was on the top shelf, and I didn't see what the flavor was, but it was in this fancy blue bunny packaging, so I was like what the heck- probably rocky road or something. Because they make that in ice cream sandwiches.
Anyway, I unwrapped it, and instantly recognized it as chocolate. Not my favorite, but good enough. I took a bite into this ice cream sandwich, and this is what I thought, in this order:
1) THAT'S not chocolate.
2) That's NOT chocolate.
3) That's not CHOCOLATE.
4) That's fricken peanut butter!
5) Who puts peanut butter in an ice cream sandwich>
6) OMG

So I spit it out as best I could, and rinsed my mouth out about 30 times. I don't think I actually swallowed any, but my mouth was still very tingly, so I went looking for the Benedryl. This drug proved elusive, despite the fact that our kitchen is completely stuffed with any kind of pill you can imagine. I finally found it, took two pills, and was pretty much out of commission for the rest of today. Annoying, but it could have been much worse, I guess.
I had come to wonder in recent months whether or not I was still actually allergic to the stuff, since I haven't had a reaction in many years. Well, question answered, I suppose.