weird creepy mood swings

So, this morning. First day of MYP. I come into the zysman bais medrash, my $60+ sforim weighing my backpack down to pretty uncomfortable levels, and sit down by the rabbi cohen shiur table. This shiur consists of about 5 people besides me, all of whom seem to be at least 4 years my senior, and quite bearded. And then there’s me, the guy from Milwaukee who just graduated highschool. Just seeing the people at the table, I was somewhat intimidated, but I figured hey, gemara’s gemara, and if it’s anything like what I learned last year, I should be able to handle it. Actually, it IS going to be what I learned last year, since we’re learning the same mesechta. Well, as it turns out, the morning schedule for MYP is something I might call brutal. There is a space of about 3 hours, from 9 till about 11:40, which is the iyun seder (the word seder reminds me that I am now in a kind of bais medrash, which kind of gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach.) So that’s just one on one learning, in my case, with a guy several years older than me, and probably getting smicha soon. Makes me look like somewhat of an idiot, but I figured I’d give it my best shot. But I find it hard to focus- just like with everything else, it’s the same thing that’s been affecting my appetite, and last night I suspect it affected my sleep (although that may have been my roommate leaving his light on and typing up till 2 in the morning.) I’m not sure what it is, but I’ve suspected for a while that it’s the anxiety of knowing I won’t be back in my familiar neighborhood for five weeks, and even then I’ll just be there for long enough to fast for a day, build a succah, dance, and pack up, rushing back to this building. That, and the pressure to do well due to the huge amount of money my parents are putting into this education, as well as some of my own in the form of Stafford loans, not to mention the fact that there’s basically no one here that I know, and I don’t (or didn’t) know what to expect in terms of the college courses. But my most recent worry has been that maybe this place isn’t the place I thought it was. I chose YU over Landers because I thought YU was oriented more towards the college education, and less towards the learning. Yet after this seder from 9-11:40, we had a bekius shiur until around 12:20. Then there was about an hour lunch break, then the iyun shiur came from 1:20 till 2:30. And I think today’s schedule was somewhat shortened, being the first day and all.
That’s about as much learning as I did last year, which I considered to be on the higher end- but it’s all in one shot, and more advanced. And while I think Rabbi Cohen is great as a person (although a little more mussardig then I thought at first), sometimes it’s hard to understand him in shiur. And when all these issues are threatening to explode my brain, I find it impossible to focus, and before you know it, my first day in MYP is down the drain. Now it’s possible that this will all just wear off. Maybe I actually can make it in MYP, and I’m just distracted with my new surroundings for the moment. But the thing that’s scaring me now is this tremendous mood swing. I went to US history pretty much a nervous wreck, putting up frantic facebook statuses and texting perel pleading to let me come over so I can just relax and take a deep breath. But at some point during history, i think I got interested. I took out my laptop, started taking things down, and before I knew it, I had done exactly what I had been trying to do since my father left- take my mind off the big picture, and focus on what was in front of me. By the time history was over, I was feeling 110% better. Kovi gave me a call, having heard about my woes over facebook, but I found I didn’t really even need the consolation anymore. In that conversation, I found myself laughing for the first time in a little while. There was a short break, and then I went to my second class, English composition, which was a breeze. I think my instructor for that course is great, and I actually might enjoy that class. So out of my four classes, I have high hopes for the two of them that I’ve started so far. Right now, I’m in a very good mood. My appetite is the best it’s been since I started having this whole issue. I could actually go for some pizza now for the first time since I’ve gotten to NY. Maybe I’m finally over this whole thing. I hope so. It’s been really annoying. My concern is just that it’s going to come back tomorrow. This is how it’s been, kind of like a bouncing ball. I started off really low today, to the point where I was seriously depressed, and then my mood just kind of shot all the way back up, somewhere around history class, and now I’m feeling perfect. But tomorrow I may wake up and start panicking again. Are these mood swings the sign of some kind of mental condition? Or is it just part of the adjustment? I don’t know, but right now I feel great, and I’m hoping to keep it that way for as long as I can.

stress relief

i'm writing this right now because a) it's supposed to take my nerves off of things, and b) i have nothing else to do for the next hour. until my counseling appointment, that is. yes, it has been a fun first few days at YU, and already i seem to be falling apart at the seams. I really don't know why- i guess i'm just homesick. I've never been away from home- or my family- for five weeks straight, and even if i'm not thinking about that fact, it seems to take a subconscious toll on me. I've had no appetite for the last two days. I've barely eaten anything since yesterday morning. at least today there was somewhat of an improvement- now i'm hungry too. i have this overwhelming feeling of nausea which i assume comes from the anxiety i'm feeling about being away from home, being in college, not being completely sure what to do, or a few other reasons. no matter what i try, i can't get that nausea out of my system. i went and got tums and some other medication- they didn't do any good. it's just a mental thing i guess. i don't know how to get rid of that. so i'm going to see a therapist in about 45 minutes, though i can't imagine he'll improve things much, since i don't really know what needs to be improved in the first place.
also, it's pretty hot here. my dorm is above 90 degrees most of the time, which may contribute to things a little bit. there's one room with air conditioning on this floor, called the lounge, but things don't get any better while im in there. i can't go there now because it smells like pizza, and that smell now makes me want to throw up.
isn't that sad? i came here so excited for kosher pizza, and now somehow i can't even stand the smell of it. another possible factor is that i don't know anyone here. i've met a bunch of great guys, and some of them are really trying to help me, but for some reason nothing seems to work.
my only respite was going to perel's apartment last night. there, for a time, i felt better, my appetite returned shortly, and i had some vegetable soup. we hung out for about an hour or so, and then i took a shuttle back. but tonight i'm going to a lazer tag/ bowling/ arcade social extravaganza thing, where hopefully i'm warm up to people, make some friends somehow, and take my mind off of things.
I'm really not worried about my classes, save for the fact that apparently i have to buy textbooks for them, and not only do i not know where to go to get them, i won't know what to buy until the first day of classes. i even have to buy my own gemara, and the sforim sale isn't open till 6:30, and we leave for lazer tag at 7. ugh.
and the swimming that i was so pumped for? hasn't been open for all of orientation so far. i thought i might be able to relax in the wirlpool, but the guard said there's no schedule for the pool to be open during orientation. so no dice there either.
i'm really counting on this therapist to work something out with me, because if i'm not able to eat something soon, i don't know what's going to happen. tonight's roast turkey, and while i know that should sound good, my stomach feels queazy just thinking about it. and then of course the fact that i feel nauseous when i should be hungry adds to my anxiety, which makes me more nauseous, etc.
everyone says that this all just wears off after a while, and i really hope it does. i also hope i haven't starved to death by that point. i don't really know what to do until that happens. but i do realize one thing.

it's a darn good thing i didn't go to israel.

Stay Tuned!!!!!!!