The Times

...do you know them?

Apparently it's been a while since my last blog. Unlike my sister, I do not blog when I am frustrated or depressed or just need something to do. I generally do far less constructive things with that time, but every now and then I like to put down what I'm feeling in words and look back on it. I sometimes surprise myself with what I write, and it's kind of a confusing time for me right now, so I'm gonna see what I come up with.
Things have been kinda like a roller coaster this past week and half. When I left New York for succos break, I was having a pretty great time. Home had sunk into the back of my mind a few weeks beforehand, and I think I was really starting to get the hang of New York. Was I desperate to go home? I don't think so. About four weeks earlier, I was panicking about how far away the break was, but in the week before I left it didn't seem such a big deal to me. "Yeah I could go back, could I stay longer if I had to? Wouldn't be a problem." I was extremely happy to be going home, and when I found out Kovi was there it was even better, but I could've gone longer if I had to.
The vacation was incredible. Everyone was home for succos, something that hadn't happened for two years. It felt like the old times, the good old days. I think it may have gotten me a little too rooted in that mindset. For two weeks, I could have been in elementary school again (of course, I believe I was somewhat miserable when I was actually in elementary school, but that's how that goes). And then I come from that straight back to college, and I was miserable for almost a whole week. I had the same problems I'd had when the semester started, but to a lesser extent. I ate much less for a few days, no big deal. But around last weekend, a disturbing thought came to me: none of this really had to happen. It was my decision to come here. I remember last year when I had ten college brochures on the table in my WITS dorm room. Most went to secular colleges, such as UWM, MATC, MSOE, and the occasional oddball like St. John's in Queens. I never fully considered UWM because I could never picture telling my rebbe that. YU alone was a radical choice, being one of only a couple people in my 24 person class going to any kind of college in the first place! My rebbe spent the majority of the year trying to convince me that college could wait, and there was no reason not to learn for a year first to develop my ruchnius.

My response to that always was that it's true, but that doesn't make me want to go. I still don't want to spend a whole year learning the whole morning, afternoon, and then having some free time at night (after night seder of course). That kind of schedule did not appeal to me because I'm just not that interested in learning. I don't find it particularly interesting, and I don't feel much of an accomplishment by doing it. Believe me, I've been learning Gemara since fifth grade, and it hasn't gotten any more fascinating. I've never had the feeling that learning about what to do if your ox kills someone brings me closer to G-d, or makes me better as a person. It's like a school subject to me, really.

This is not something you can really tell a rebbe. I think my rebbe last year spent that time trying to get me to say it, but I couldn't. I think it's because I had too much respect for him to say something like that, but it's the way I am, and it definitely influenced my decision. Now that I look back on that decision, I wonder if I would have picked YU at all had I really considered those local colleges as an option. I remember realizing that the other colleges were a small fraction of what YU costed, and I could most likely graduate from them without having to pay back huge loans afterwards. Meanwhile, I would have a similarly good degree. But the money surprisingly was not a huge factor in the decision, because I think I realized that if it was the right place, it was worth it no matter how much it costed.
But now that I've been here, I understand how incredible it would be to be able to go home at the end of the day like so many people here do. A good majority of the people I've met are from either New York or New Jersey, and they go home all the time. This painfully reminds me of when I was an "in-towner" at WITS, and I would go home every sunday while the "out of towners" stayed at the Yeshiva and watched me drive off. Now I'm the out of towner.
Maybe this is what got me thinking about this. I could be an in-towner if I wanted to. I could be home permanently in January, drive to school, get a job, and live at home with my parents and hilarious siblings. For some reason, it seems like it'd be easier to have a job if I had a car. Maybe because I drove to and from the old home the last two summers, and made some decent money working there (although I wouldn't be doing that- most likely apply for a job at Milwaukee PC or something). I could live in my own familiar neighborhood, something I plan on doing the second after I graduate anyways. At least for now.
There just seem to be so many benefits to going to a local college. And what do I get for being here? Well, I'm with people like me, you say. But I've so far failed to meet anyone anywhere near my age group, although I have made some friends here. Friends. There's something I'm not likely to have in UWM. I think it's the most important thing I have here that I wouldn't have there. College is supposed to be a time to network and make connections with people who will help you later on in life. Now I remember that as being a big reason for coming to YU.

So now there's a problem, because I'm going to be unhappy no matter what I do. There are big advantages to doing either thing. YU is most likely the more responsible choice for my future, but just the thought of leaving in January and not coming back gets me excited.
Then again, as some of perel's old posts have shown me, home is not always how you remember it. And seeing how things usually go with me, I'd probably enjoy it for a few weeks, and then decide I'm ready to go back. In fact, I was somewhat anxious to come back over this last break. Of course, once I got here I was ready to go home. Zathrus can never have anything nice.
I'm starting to think that it's not necessarily home that I miss- it's being a kid, not having to worry about all this college/life stuff. Maybe I think that if I live at home, I can postpone all that for a little longer, just go to school like always, come home, do homework, play, just like it always was. But I know it can't stay that way. I guess I just feel the transition would be smoother if I just got a degree at home, and then moved into my own apartment (priced at a third of what I'd get in NY) and got my own job, car etc. But already this is when Perel tells me I'm thinking too far ahead. I don't like the feeling of not having a game plan, though. And my plan has always involved coming back home after school, so maybe I just figure why not spend these final years before all that happens at home? A switch wouldn't be easy- I've already got a pretty big commitment to YU, such as student loans, a tv, probably a lot of other things I don't know about. And I don't even know if I would want to do it, knowing that I could very well be miserable at home anyways.
I guess I don't need to worry about what to do in January yet anyways, though. I'll just see how things are around late November-early December. Meanwhile, I'll get the most of things in New York, and who knows? I might be completely happy next week!