Evil Overlord List

I saw this posted onto one of the doors in my dorm hallway. It's pretty good stuff.

The Top 100 Things I'd Do

If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Midnight Madness, not to be confused with Midtown Madness

I head over to the Morg lounge for some free pizza tonight. There have been signs up for weeks about the free food going on every night this week. I get there five minutes early, and there is literally a line out the door. Quickly judging the situation at hand, standing outside in the cold in my sweater, I make the logical choice and get in line for the pizza. The line doesn't move too much. I start to get a little suspicious when I continue to see people coming out of the building with pizza, while the line stands completely still. Eventually some guy comes out with a slice of pizza, looks at the line, and starts yelling "Hey, you know there's no real line right? There's no order, you just go in and take pizza! Sheesh, you know it's called midnight madness for a reason!"
I am briefly reminded of a clip of Homestar Runner standing in line at bubs concession stand, with a sign that says "Stand in Line: $5." Homestar turns around and says to the guy behind him "Best five bucks I ever spent!" So I did that mentally, knowing better than to make obscure references to random people (cough perel cough).
Anyways, nobody moves for a few minutes. I guess they're all thinking "It's a trick!" "It's like those emails about working from home!" "No way it's that easy!" But after awhile, everyone just kind of falls out of line and starts stumbling over to through the doorway. I had my pizza within five minutes- that being said, it was pretty awful.
Not that I had a whole lot else going on- I had my history final this morning, and I think I did pretty well. Finished after only a little over an hour. The history final was second only to the dreaded comp sci final in difficulty, and if the comp sci final is anywhere near as long, I should be able to finish in time to make my flight. Tomorrow is hebrew, which should be easy enough. I spent some time tonight studying for it, and I have all of tomorrow morning, so I should be good.
No other really exciting stories to relate, as if studying for my hebrew final was full of action packed drama. Although question remains- what will I do all of winter break if I don't get any Mashiach work?

aaand here come the finals

what do you do when you can't bring yourself to study, but don't have much else to do? Blog, of course! At this point I realize that if I'm going to out-do my sister in blogging, I'm going to have to pick up the pace. And besides, I've got a good twenty minutes to kill until my load in the dryer is done, and I seriously doubt I can get any more information out of this Gemara right here than I already have. I've been, like, torturing it. I mean, when I started, it was singing like a canary, but now it's just sitting here, limp and numb to its surroundings. Nothing doing here...

So yeah, this is reading week- no class, just cramming for finals. It's a semi-new concept for me, coming from That School I Came From where you felt lucky if you had less class on finals week. So naturally I feel like I'm going to have some time-management issues. That may mean a little more time on the xbox than is healthy (I have some serious ground to cover in modern warfare 2), but my schedule this semester is somewhat lighter than it would be usually, and the only real issue I'm going to have is with computer science, without a doubt the hardest course I'm taking, and am in danger of failing. The professor boasts about how his finals are "killers" and half the stuff on the final from last semester was not even broached in class. Hopefully things will pull through, as long as I get help from the right people and put a serious effort into it, which I plan to do. "Planning", however, is not a major at this university.

So anyways the past couple of weeks I've noticed that I'm spending too much money here in new york. I've spent more money the last four months than I've spent collectively in my entire life. Granted that includes a tv and a macbook pro, but the fact that most of it was on long-term investments doesn't make me feel much better. I'm still paying like $45 to take a cab to the airport, to get to a flight which actually costs $64. I've spent quite a bit on restaurants here too, which I feel guilty about to a lesser extent, since I live for food.
The truth is I'm not scrapping for cash as it is. I just have issues parting with my money. Especially if I'm not making any. I've put some effort into finding a job, and so far I've come up with nothing. I actually came here with the idea that I'd be getting an internship with Viacom helping with video editing. Nothing even came close to materializing there, although I did edit the spoof for the play, to tremendous success.

My goals now are to finish off the rest of these finals- and finish them well- and then get home for some long-awaited vacation. There is a small chance of me missing my flight next Thursday, as my last final officially ends about a little under two hours before my plane takes off. Although last time I went to LaGuardia, the car service got me there within 20 minutes, I was through security in 10, only to find out that my flight had been delayed three hours. While the conditions may not be the same, I would be shocked if it took me an extra hour just to get to the airport. But I've been shocked before. Stay tuned for partial excitement!

well haven't we been having fun

I've been sick the past two days. It began monday night in the theater, where our play rehearsal was once again going past 1 am. For those of you not in on this, I'm doing the lights for the YU dramatics society play "of mice and men", which starts this saturday night, and goes for another six days afterwards. So this week is called tech week, but most people call it "hell week" since it begins to dominate your life much more during the last week. (it was already pretty much dominating my life, going from 9-1 every night, so I wasn't really concerned). I spend most of my time there hanging lights, circuiting lights, and getting them to work on the board in the lights and sound booth behind the audience. It's tough work, and it's long, but I'm not so quick to say I haven't been enjoying it. It's grueling, absolutely, but I think I may prefer being busy working on a project, even if it is taking up virtually all of my free time.
But anyways, that night I started feeling kind of sick. I was sitting in the booth with my stage manager, and I told him during the rehearsal,
ME: "I think I'm going to be sick tomorrow."
SM: "Well that would suck, wouldn't it?"
ME: "Yes, it would."
It didn't go too much farther than that. Anyways, I was right, and the next morning I felt pretty awful. At my sister's behest, I went to the student health center to get checked out. There, I was reacquainted with Vladamir, the assistant head physician at YU (i think) whom I'd met at orientation. He was the one who told me if I didn't have my immunization forms on orientation day, he would send me chome. Anyways, he checked me out briefly. Most of the out- checking was him writing stuff down, so I don't know how thorough he really was. I know he listened to me breath, and asked me how I felt. He also took my temperature, which came up normal.
Long story short, he decided I had the flu (most likely since I hadn't had the vaccination) and told me to stay in bed for the next four days. Missing four days of college during tech week is not as much fun as it may sound like. It meant I would either be completely unprepared for the show next week, or they'd have to find someone to replace me, and that I'd be missing classes which I cannot easily make up, if I can make them up at all.
So anyways, that's where I've been the last two days. Sitting here, watching stuff on my laptop (most notably "merlin" "star trek (new movie)" and "cops" on youtube) Today I decided to go over to perel's apartment, since I guess I wanted to reconnect with my tv, currently in her custody. This word best describes the tv's current state. Hopefully after the whole play thing is over, I'll be able to "get it back."
So I went over there, bringing her dinner through the rain, which was not much more than a drizzle at the time. I brought my coat, just in case, in addition to her umbrella which I was returning. In case it was raining when I left, I wanted to have my coat with me.
For those of you just joining, my sister lives in a notably unsafe neighborhood. I could've sworn I watched a car get stolen while I stood outside watching the moving van the day she was moving in. But I've never had any issues walking to her apartment before, and I go around twice a week. The first few times I was really on my toes, but a sense of security has seeped in, and I no longer look behind me every ten seconds. This is probably a mistake, but I usually see alot of cops on my way back. This should probably frighten me, but it usually just makes me feel safer. It's like "Oh look, cops! No one would dare mug me at this corner!"

I hung out at her apartment for a few hours. I tried to play on my xbox- didn't really find myself in the mood. I can practically play soul calibur with my eyes closed- it seems to have lost its appeal. Anyways, I basically just watched Roswell with her and read off her cooking directions for zucchini kugel. Also helped her put a leaf in her table, and took out her garbage on my way out. Sure, why not?
The garbage thing frustrated me. By the time I decided to leave, I was so wiped out, it was going to be an effort just to get back, and I could hear through the window that it was still raining. And I'm sick. I took some of her ibuprofen (quite a bit of it, actually), but it hasn't seemed to kick in. The last thing I want to do right now is take her garbage down to the basement. It's hard for me to refuse these kinds of things though, and I always figure that it's never worth the argument, so I just do it. Fine, no problem.
On my way out, I noticed that it was now pouring outside. Great. As I turn onto the sidewalk, I also notice it's awfully windy, blowing my hood back and blowing rain onto my pants. I adjust my hood,, but with the wind it's hard for me to see in front of me. I vaguely think about what might happen if someone tries to mug me. I've got no cash in my wallet- just credit cards and a drivers license. And like, a barnes and noble gift card worth around $8, which I'm sure the thief would put to much better use than I'll ever end up doing. But I don't really get nervous. When you want something to be true, it's usually easy to convince yourself that it is. I thought things like "Oh, it's raining. Who would want to stand out here in the rain?"
I passed several people whom in hindsight looked pretty shady, but as soon as I passed them, and they'd done nothing, I thought nothing of it. Nevertheless, I tried to keep my guard up, and made an effort to look ahead.
About a block away from my sister's building, I saw someone walking my way who looked awfully sketchy. I crossed the street.
"That'll fool 'em" I thought to myself.
There were two people on the corner in front of a building- a man talking to a woman. I thought nothing of this either- I guess I usually figure if there's a woman around, no one's going to do any mugging. Like, it's not done or something. I dunno. I overheard one part of the conversation as I passed:
"Give it to me."
It was said somewhat calmly, and it didn't really concern me until the guy lunged toward the woman and grabbed her, most likely going for the purse hanging from her right shoulder. Well, in hindsight, anyway. I ran off instantly, desperately not wanting to become involved. As I approached the next corner, I think I heard a bang, and the man was definitely yelling in pain, although I wouldn't have thought that the lady had a gun.
I ran for the next block. A lot of things went through my mind from the moment the guy had attacked her until I arrived at my dorm building, among them:
That I had just come as close as I'd ever been to a mugging, and hopefully as close as I'll ever be. The two almost smashed into me in the struggle.
That I didn't call the police. The thought vaguely occurred to me as I ran away. Yes I had a cell phone, but what would I tell them? I couldn't picture myself in that kind of situation. I kind of got the feeling the officer would say something like "welcome to new york buddy" and hang up. Besides, I was sick, and I really just wanted to get home. I seriously was not interested in being interrogated by cops, or whatever was going to happen. It was really the same reason why I didn't call the police when that car might have gotten stolen- I didn't want to get involved. It's likely I never will.
My sense of security around this neighborhood has been completely shattered, although I guess it should never have been there to begin with.
But what occurred to me as I entered my dorm building is that if that really was a mugging, then had I not taken out my sister's garbage, that could've easily been me, with some other frightened stranger running past me. That thought does not change how I feel about not calling the police- but it does seriously scare me.
Now I'm off to sleep. And if I'm not better tomorrow- heck, even if I am better tomorrow, I'm pretty much screwed.