I came back from the play pretty frustrated tonight.
Which doesn't really make sense, considering tonight was the best night we've had since we started on Saturday night. The audience loved it! They were laughing at everything, and much more than anyone else had. At the curtain call, things went crazy- cheering, some shrieking which I have to admit I did not expect. The show went perfectly. I should be happy.
But what I think I realized tonight was that none of that really goes to me. And when I started out with YCDS a year and a half ago, I thought that was what I wanted. The spotlight is not for me, not in my worst nightmares, but I love the tech. It was back when I thought I could be a movie producer, and that having experience running a play would look good as experience when I tried to intern with Viacom.
Such hopes have faded as I've become aware of several things about Show Business:
1)You must be extremely talented, and you must believe that very strongly.
2)You must be extremely lucky.
3)You must be extremely devoted, and work like a horse.
4)You cannot possibly remain religious if you hope to get anywhere.
That last one basically did it for me. But the other things are true too. Money is not a great enough motivation to get me to really work the way famous directors have. Although I do love making movies even when I'm not being paid- in making the spoof for the play, I can hardly tear myself away from it, which is something I can't say about most productive things.
So maybe I'd have the motivation, and I also believe I have talent. In fact, I think if I gave it my all, I could be very successful in the movie industry. But that's best case scenario, and I'm not interested in it anyways if I can't always get kosher food, or get glares from people for wearing a yarmulke.
So that was last year's dilemma. My career plans since then have shifted from one form to the next over time, but it seems like I'm going to settle with computers. It something that interests me, I also have a talent for it, and it makes a decent amount of money. We'll see how all that actually holds up when I start taking serious programming courses over the summer.
But why was I so frustrated after tonight's show? Well, let me try to explain something. I've been working the show for five nights now. Every night the theater is packed, and every night everyone comes in. With their dates. I just get to sit in the booth and watch. I hate to say it (and I'm not sure why) but it just makes me sick to my stomach. It's like having to sit in front of a perfectly grilled steak when you're fasting. I don't know, it makes me crazy. It's there, dangling in front of me every night, and I lack the wits, or the gall, to reach for it. I suppose deep down, or maybe not so deep down, I know that it's not something I should be starting with yet (my sister can't stand the thought of me wanting to date, but I think that's just because it makes her feel old), but when everyone else around me- really everyone- seems to be doing just that, it makes me feel socially inadequate. As well it should- I am in fact socially inadequate. Two years and I have few real friends to show for it. Is it the fact that the people here are unlike the people I've ever encountered before? Is it because I lack a solid base to jump from since I came here alone? Or is it just that I have some kind of deficiency, either because of the schools I went to or something about how I was brought up? Either way, the problem is there, and it interestingly leaves me with many friends here, but no one who I can really rely on as a close friend.
This is all very important, because it is leading me to do something which may be a terrible mistake. I applied to a school which I know to be worse than YU, and I'm mostly doing it just to be with my friends. Scratch that, to be with one. Just one. Can you imagine how desperate I must be. There are many redeeming features about the school, but it really can't compare to Yeshiva University, and everyone I've spoken to has said the same. I can convince myself of virtually anything, but at the end of the day I think I know that transferring is not a good idea. Would I really be happier? Granted I will have friends there, but I will be constantly chafing against an administration which propagates ideas which I surprisingly no longer believe in. Did I ever believe in them? Wits was a lifetime ago, I can't even remember anymore.
I realize I haven't written anything on here since I left Israel- I would just like to say that I don't think leaving was the wrong decision at all. That's not to say I don't miss it- I loved it there, and I'm glad I'm able to recall the happier things about the place instead of the less enjoyable aspects of the experience. I think leaving was the right decision, I'm just upset that it was. It's true what they say about 90% of the people here going through Israel first. Many of them didn't want to leave- their parents forced them to go back to the states and get a college education. So many of the people here seem to be in some kind of denial, it's like they think they're still in Israel. I'm not sure what makes me say this- the way the dress, the way they talk, their pure tzioni outlook, their "tafs." It bugs me to no end- I am the only one in my shiur (besides the rebbe, strangely) who ever pronounces a "saf." I for one was not so taken by Israel, unlike about 90% of the people in YU. Does that mean I belong in a more right wing place, which sponsors a learning seder during the superbowl and could care less about Israel? No, I don't think so. My values do not swing completely one way or the other. YU will allow me to hold a middle ground- I just need to find some people like me and hang out with them, acquire a base of friends, that kind of thing.
The theater was supposed to help me do that as well, and in a way it has more than anything else I've done on campus. I'm becoming a regular at the theater- all the old people know me now, and the new people will soon enough. And as I become more and more comfortable, I branch out more, and feel more confident about myself. One thing is for sure- I'm not depressed here. I just wish I had some more friends I guess. My roommate is of no benefit whatsoever- that had been one of my plans back in Israel. Have a roommate this time, go to events with him, hang out with his friends, etc. Ha. My roommate has less friends than I do, and goes to sleep at 11 every night.
I should feel good about myself. Despite my outlook, things are getting better. There are still far more people here I don't know at all, and many of them I may never know. But I don't have to. I just need to have a small group of close friends, and I think I will get that over time. I just need to break out of my established comfort zone, and extend it.
As for girls, there's not much for me to say. There are a number of things holding me back from actively looking for a girlfriend, and as they are not exactly flocking to me either, I say we call it a draw for now. I absolutely hate the prospect of being one of those shidduch daters three or four years from now who never talked to a girl before, but somehow I don't think that's going to be the case. Make no mistake- waiting is painful, and the fact that these girls are everywhere amplifies my frustration. But it is a small comfort to know that when I one day become socially competent enough, they will still be coming uptown to get pizza and listen to lectures, which is more than I can say for Touro.
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7 comments:
I enjoyed reading this post, and I can identify with much of what you are feeling (especially the girl part). You will still be able to hold your middle ground "there." I don't know if the social scene "there" will suit you more, but you won't know if you don't try.
wow, every time you post i am reminded of how much depth you possess and sort of keep to yourself.
to say a few things:
a) you could be 35 and it would probably still weird me out just a little. it is just because i AM old. don't pay any mind.
b) re: girls - trust me on this one - they will find you. you are not "socially inadequate" (i think this term is reserved for the fiery pits of teenage girl hell). posts like this are proof of that. you think and are sensitive to many nuances of what goes on around you - just unlike most people, you don't advertise your reaction instantaneously. i think if anything, all you're really missing is self-confidence. you can still be too uncertain sometimes to be yourself and comfortable in a mixed setting. lucky for you, that's not really a requirement for girls, either, just certain kinds. plenty of my friends have dated/ are in deeply-committed relationships with guys who also aren't comfortable in larger groups.
i do think, in a weird way, part of what you are experiencing is the "shidduch pressure" everyone talked about when i came to stern. it's funny, i always thought it was just a stern thing, but maybe not. in milwaukee, you don't have this culture of everyone dating. if they are dating, you don't know about it. you don't see people. here it's like this normal thing and hundreds upon hundreds of people are paired up, and it can make you feel defective for not being that way. but you can lose sight of how young you are, and how many years these people have on you - many went to co-ed summer programs or high schools or even just the structure of their community is different. it's a different ballgame - cut yourself slack and time to adjust.
re: friends - personally, i am starting to run into people who ask me if i'm your sister, which, stop stealing my thunder. when i started here i didn't know anyone either. doing exactly what you are is how i met some of my closest friend - the radio, the newspaper, student council, clubs and groups you believe in and enjoy learning about and the other people in it do too. maybe it's time to break out of your own self-definition. maybe you're learning that you're not as shy as people have always told you you are, and you're ready to take a more public role. maybe next year, you'll act - even in a small part. or maybe you'll join debate. maybe you'll organize a film festival. either way, i think if this semester has brought you to that point where you're ready, you've come away with something valuable.
and wanting to be with a best friend, longing for the familiar, doesn't make you desperate. it makes you human, like the rest of us.
Awww...
Nothing like a sister to lay your fears to rest. I'm a couple years older than you, and when I was your age (I HATE the way that sounds) I was also holed up in my little box, afraid of what people might think if I came out. It took time and effort, but only a couple years later I can comfortably converse with anyone, boy or girl, rabbi or rich businessman. The more you worry about how people perceive you, the worse you will be perceived. As soon as you stop caring how people perceive you, because you know yourself to be worthwhile, other people will see the confidence you project and they will believe it too.
Ironic, eh?
ironic or paradoxical?
But thanks to both of you, writing this has made me feel much better, and your feedback is also very helpful.
It is ironic in that it is unexpected, but paradoxical is probably the word I was looking for. I started a blog almost a couple years ago, wrote two posts, and never wrote again. I know I would have good things to say, but I simply cannot make myself sit down and write. You are similar to me in many ways, but not in that way. It looks like you've written quite a bit on here. Oh well, maybe one day I'll get to writing...
I need to add one more thing which I wasn't clear about. I'm 22, and have never been on a date. My point was that I'm comfortable around pretty much anyone, and I don't feel like it will be awkward or difficult for me to relate to a girl (disregarding, of course, the fact that girls are completely insane).
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