2011-2012: Final Thoughts

When I look back on this entire past year, I see two things. First, I see immense mountains of grief and pain, things which had not been significant in my life for a very long time, if ever. I look back on the previous post on this blog and practically laugh at my own naivety. In writing that post, I never dreamed what an attempt such as the one I made in September could possibly put me through.

But on the other hand, I see how much I've changed since then, the important lessons I've learned, and how much good these lessons will do me in the future. I wonder how much of the pain could have been avoided, what were the good decisions, and what were the bad ones. As much as I hate to revisit this year's events, I also find it important to inspect how I reacted in these different situations, in order to better predict how I can prevent these things in the future. Or at least dull them. And if I were coming up on August 2011 all over again, there are a number of things I'd want to warn myself about. I know simply hearing these things from someone else wouldn't effectively teach me the lessons as much as going through the experiences themselves would, but I think it would have avoided one or two things. And that's worthwhile, in the end. You'll have to forgive the somewhat mopey tone of this blog post, but I haven't been in the best of moods for the past four months or so. It's only getting better, as I like to say, but I can't help but think that I've been permanently damaged by the types of connections I've had to severe the past few months. I'm consistently haunted by faces, experiences, and memories I wish I no longer had. You think I'm being melodramatic. You're probably right. But that doesn't change the fact that this is how horrible all of this feels to me, and if by writing out what I've learned, there's a chance some other poor freshman won't have to go through it, it's worth the time. Not to mention it'll help solidify in my mind where I went wrong, and what I can avoid doing in the future.

Anyway, let's start with the single, most important thing I can take away from the past year:
1) NEVER date a girl less than one (1) year out of Seminary/High School.
If you take nothing else away from this post, take this one. My brother actually told me this last year when I was in Israel, and I wish I'd remembered it now. These girls are absolutely, and almost without exception, completely insane. Let me lay this out for you- I have not been to a girl's seminary in Israel, but I've heard from enough people to know how it works. You no doubt are familiar with the term "flipping out." I prefer another way of describing the process: "BRAIN WASHING." I do not know what kind of mumbo-jumbo hypnosis these Rabbeim in Israel employ, but girls literally go into their seminaries thinking one thing, and come out thinking something completely different, like it was some kind of Sneetch machine from a Dr. Seuss book. Suddenly, girls who were fairly secular, hung out with guys, watched movies, listened to music, and were overall fun-to-be-with, ordinary teenage girl types will stop talking to you because they don't approve of your learning method. They come back with crazy, hard to explain let alone understand hashkafas about how halacha is followed, how Gemara is learned (girls!), and how long their skirts have to be.
This would all be fine and dandy- if it ever actually stuck. No, brain washing is sadly a temporary thing, which tends to wear off like a spell after a year or two in the real world. Around the second half of their first year out of Israel, these girls tend to get seriously distressed over the innate contradictions within themselves, as they begin to realize that they don't believe in the ideas that have been branded onto their brains. On the chutes-and-ladders board game that is Jewish dating, this combination always leads to the "Not Ready To Date" square.
These girls are funny, intelligent, and more often than not downright beautiful, which makes it all the more disappointing when they drop you for not being religious enough for them, when in fact the real problem lies in their own inability to pick a side. Save yourself a few bucket loads of headache and heartache, and steer clear of these girls. Go for the second or third year on campus Stern girls who actually know what the hell they want to do with the rest of their life, not what Rabbi Katz in Israel wanted them to do with it.

2) Be careful who you give your heart to. Not every pretty face is worthy of it.
If you come to YU as inexperienced as I was, you'll be tempted to fall in love with the first pretty girl who shows the faintest interest in you. The way these things work, no matter how "compatible" the match really is, the liking you exhibit on someone will evoke reciprocal feelings, and voila, you could be dating in a week or two. And I'm just gonna say this- guys fall for the looks above anything else fastest. If you're looking for an effective safeguard, make it here: Be sure that you understand that just because the girl is good looking, this does not mean she is as "good looking" on the inside. That might sound corny, but I'm speaking from experience here. Do the background check, it's important. And yes, it's very difficult to keep yourself from falling for someone. But it's much more difficult when you don't even know that this is a problem. Some girls are selfish, some are immature, some are actually evil. There are many traits which can be easily hidden in your mind by good looks, and it can be a big problem to deal with later. I'm not saying you should have a "list" to check every girl you meet against (that's a sem girl tactic), but if you don't have a basic idea of what you're looking for in someone beyond what works for you physically, you're taking a bigger risk than you know getting involved in someone. Once you've "given your heart" to someone, you really can't take it back. You have to live with it. For a long time. So think about that.

3) Know how to tell when someone likes you, and how to deal with it if you don't feel the same.
Ideally, you don't want to break any girl's hearts. Realistically, this probably isn't possible. Girls fall for guys all the time, and it's important that guys be able to tell when this is happening to avoid the whole "stringing along" thing. Again, a naive guy like myself might simply be flattered by any kind of female attention, and that makes it an extremely difficult thing to push away. This is a mistake. If you're anything like me, you know pretty quickly whether or not you like a girl. I've found that initial impressions tell more than you can interpret from them at the time, but if I think back on it- every girl I've dated or even had an interest in, I've always known it from the first second I saw them. So if you're "not sure" whether or not you like them, chances are, you don't. This means that continuing contact with these girls without being clear is leading them on, and more often than not will lead to them getting hurt, because it eventually comes to a point where there's no painless way to end it.

This probably all sounds like high-school stuff, and I think it is. Unfortunately, us orthodox types don't really get these social high-school "lessons", going to all same-sex schools straight through 12th grade and all. This isn't a problem really- you learn these things eventually- unless someone screws up their life and gets engaged to the wrong person before getting it straight. I'm not saying that happens often, but I am saying it happens. So be careful, and be wary of what's going on around you- how you're behaving towards people, and how people are behaving towards you. Because a lot of this stuff is subconscious, and both guys and girls can get hurt very quickly without even realizing what happened.

4) If things should go bad, know how to cope with loss.
Everyone has their own strategies for this. Some people listen to music, some people throw themselves into whatever work they can to distract themselves. Some people drink.

Distractions are important. Sometimes, it ends. And it feels like the entire world just means nothing to you. Personally, I've had my fair share of this to know what it's like. Different people have different reactions to the kind of sadness that accompanies a breakup. Maybe you'll find that your favorite food no longer appeals to you, or that you've got no real desire to eat at all anymore. Maybe you won't be able to sleep. Maybe you won't be able to get up. Maybe your whole existence will suddenly seem gray and dark because this girl is no longer in it...because you mean nothing to her now.

First of all, in situations like this, it's always good to have that friend who will slap you upside the head, and tell you to get your rear in gear. To get over it. To move on. Because there might not be a part of your mind telling you those things, and it's always good to have someone remind you, even if you don't see the reasoning behind the words anymore. Go to class. Get your work done. Eat lunch. Go home. Go to sleep. It ends. It always does. You just need to get through it.

Second, the best thing to do is take your mind off it. You probably won't believe this at the time though. You'll find any reason to continue wallowing in your pond of self-pity, analyzing what happened, what went wrong, how it could have been different.

All the what-ifs.

What-ifs are stupid. The past is the past, the future is what you need to worry about. There can be no harm done by keeping the thought of her out of your mind. Eventually, your experiences with her will leave your short term memory, and when that happens they will no longer haunt you. You will probably never completely forget, I'm sorry to say. But it will no longer trouble you. The emotional component of those memories will be dead, and you won't have to fear thinking about them anymore. Until then, Xbox it up! Go see some movies. Hang out with your friends. Go out, laugh, enjoy yourself. Look at everything you have. Don't let this girl be the end for you. She's not worth it, and you know it. If she were, she wouldn't have left you.

Knowing how to deal with these things is important, but preferably you don't want to get here. By being careful with yourself, and with how you treat others, things don't need to be ugly and painful. After all, we're all adults. At least, in theory. And I believe that if I'd had these things in mind this year, shit would have gone down quite differently.
I recently went to my aunt's house for the weekend, where I was senselessly interrogated by my 5 year old cousin about my dating woes. After a few basic questions about some past girlfriends, she came up with the helpful form you see above to determine if the girl (now engaged) still "likes" me.
Things can seem a lot simpler when you're five.

Corn Chips Are No Place For A Mighty Warrior

I came back from the play pretty frustrated tonight.

Which doesn't really make sense, considering tonight was the best night we've had since we started on Saturday night. The audience loved it! They were laughing at everything, and much more than anyone else had. At the curtain call, things went crazy- cheering, some shrieking which I have to admit I did not expect. The show went perfectly. I should be happy.

But what I think I realized tonight was that none of that really goes to me. And when I started out with YCDS a year and a half ago, I thought that was what I wanted. The spotlight is not for me, not in my worst nightmares, but I love the tech. It was back when I thought I could be a movie producer, and that having experience running a play would look good as experience when I tried to intern with Viacom.

Such hopes have faded as I've become aware of several things about Show Business:
1)You must be extremely talented, and you must believe that very strongly.
2)You must be extremely lucky.
3)You must be extremely devoted, and work like a horse.
4)You cannot possibly remain religious if you hope to get anywhere.

That last one basically did it for me. But the other things are true too. Money is not a great enough motivation to get me to really work the way famous directors have. Although I do love making movies even when I'm not being paid- in making the spoof for the play, I can hardly tear myself away from it, which is something I can't say about most productive things.
So maybe I'd have the motivation, and I also believe I have talent. In fact, I think if I gave it my all, I could be very successful in the movie industry. But that's best case scenario, and I'm not interested in it anyways if I can't always get kosher food, or get glares from people for wearing a yarmulke.

So that was last year's dilemma. My career plans since then have shifted from one form to the next over time, but it seems like I'm going to settle with computers. It something that interests me, I also have a talent for it, and it makes a decent amount of money. We'll see how all that actually holds up when I start taking serious programming courses over the summer.

But why was I so frustrated after tonight's show? Well, let me try to explain something. I've been working the show for five nights now. Every night the theater is packed, and every night everyone comes in. With their dates. I just get to sit in the booth and watch. I hate to say it (and I'm not sure why) but it just makes me sick to my stomach. It's like having to sit in front of a perfectly grilled steak when you're fasting. I don't know, it makes me crazy. It's there, dangling in front of me every night, and I lack the wits, or the gall, to reach for it. I suppose deep down, or maybe not so deep down, I know that it's not something I should be starting with yet (my sister can't stand the thought of me wanting to date, but I think that's just because it makes her feel old), but when everyone else around me- really everyone- seems to be doing just that, it makes me feel socially inadequate. As well it should- I am in fact socially inadequate. Two years and I have few real friends to show for it. Is it the fact that the people here are unlike the people I've ever encountered before? Is it because I lack a solid base to jump from since I came here alone? Or is it just that I have some kind of deficiency, either because of the schools I went to or something about how I was brought up? Either way, the problem is there, and it interestingly leaves me with many friends here, but no one who I can really rely on as a close friend.

This is all very important, because it is leading me to do something which may be a terrible mistake. I applied to a school which I know to be worse than YU, and I'm mostly doing it just to be with my friends. Scratch that, to be with one. Just one. Can you imagine how desperate I must be. There are many redeeming features about the school, but it really can't compare to Yeshiva University, and everyone I've spoken to has said the same. I can convince myself of virtually anything, but at the end of the day I think I know that transferring is not a good idea. Would I really be happier? Granted I will have friends there, but I will be constantly chafing against an administration which propagates ideas which I surprisingly no longer believe in. Did I ever believe in them? Wits was a lifetime ago, I can't even remember anymore.


I realize I haven't written anything on here since I left Israel- I would just like to say that I don't think leaving was the wrong decision at all. That's not to say I don't miss it- I loved it there, and I'm glad I'm able to recall the happier things about the place instead of the less enjoyable aspects of the experience. I think leaving was the right decision, I'm just upset that it was. It's true what they say about 90% of the people here going through Israel first. Many of them didn't want to leave- their parents forced them to go back to the states and get a college education. So many of the people here seem to be in some kind of denial, it's like they think they're still in Israel. I'm not sure what makes me say this- the way the dress, the way they talk, their pure tzioni outlook, their "tafs." It bugs me to no end- I am the only one in my shiur (besides the rebbe, strangely) who ever pronounces a "saf." I for one was not so taken by Israel, unlike about 90% of the people in YU. Does that mean I belong in a more right wing place, which sponsors a learning seder during the superbowl and could care less about Israel? No, I don't think so. My values do not swing completely one way or the other. YU will allow me to hold a middle ground- I just need to find some people like me and hang out with them, acquire a base of friends, that kind of thing.

The theater was supposed to help me do that as well, and in a way it has more than anything else I've done on campus. I'm becoming a regular at the theater- all the old people know me now, and the new people will soon enough. And as I become more and more comfortable, I branch out more, and feel more confident about myself. One thing is for sure- I'm not depressed here. I just wish I had some more friends I guess. My roommate is of no benefit whatsoever- that had been one of my plans back in Israel. Have a roommate this time, go to events with him, hang out with his friends, etc. Ha. My roommate has less friends than I do, and goes to sleep at 11 every night.

I should feel good about myself. Despite my outlook, things are getting better. There are still far more people here I don't know at all, and many of them I may never know. But I don't have to. I just need to have a small group of close friends, and I think I will get that over time. I just need to break out of my established comfort zone, and extend it.
As for girls, there's not much for me to say. There are a number of things holding me back from actively looking for a girlfriend, and as they are not exactly flocking to me either, I say we call it a draw for now. I absolutely hate the prospect of being one of those shidduch daters three or four years from now who never talked to a girl before, but somehow I don't think that's going to be the case. Make no mistake- waiting is painful, and the fact that these girls are everywhere amplifies my frustration. But it is a small comfort to know that when I one day become socially competent enough, they will still be coming uptown to get pizza and listen to lectures, which is more than I can say for Touro.

Greetings from the Holy Land!

So it would seem blogging is back. I mean, my sisters blogging again, I'm blogging again…who else do you need? Here I'd thought this was kind of a fad which got old around mid-2009, and yet every once and again I decide to post my deepest thoughts on the internet where just about anyone and everyone can read it. I usually don't do this anymore unless I'm really having a hard time making a decision, as I suppose you could tell by looking at some of my previous posts, half of which seem to be about laptops. 

How have things been going here the last three months? Well if you asked me that, I'd probably tell you something like "pretty good" since there's way too much information involved in the answer to that question to put into words. So it's a good thing you didn't ask me, or you'd have just been wasting your time. Luckily, I've asked the question for you, and so I've decided to answer it in the only way I can think of- by writing it all out. Of course, when I come back to Milwaukee and everyone in shul or wherever asks me how Israel was, I'll have to give them the short answer, which usually leaves people pretty unsatisfied and kind of confused. 

Anyway, it's November now and I've been on the three-seder schedule for about three months now. And I must say it has started to get to me. I learn close to nine hours a day, and the rest of the time there doesn't seem to be much else to do. Everyone else here seems pretty bored. It's a good thing nobody listened to the no-laptops rule, because that seems to be the only thing most people do around here. We've even set up our own computer to computer network and played games against each other.

Now I know what you're thinking right now- "You're in Israel! How could you be spending your free time playing computer games with your friends?" It's a fair question, but I hope I'll have answered it by the end of this post. Of course the odds of me finishing this post seem to be diminishing- I've been interrupted twice already and I have another half an hour. 

Here's the truth- I don't really know what else to do with myself. Sure, in the first few weeks we all went to town and checked out ben yehuda and the old city and the kotel and all that, and it was cool for awhile. But now what? I can't exactly go touring Israel between 11:00pm and 12:30. I still do go down to town quite frequently- usually for felafel, a food which I can only eat in Israel for reasons I have yet to discover. But besides for getting food (and the food is good- many of you know it is the center of my universe) I don't see much reason to spend the money on the bus to go downtown. Many people go every night, and that's because they came here to party. I did not, and I'm kind of surprised that people like that actually wind up here. 

They've been a major damper on the experience, these party-people. Around half my yeshiva of 30 kids was made up of party-people when I first got here. Some have left, but a nice chunk of it is still, well, white trash. I had expected maybe two or three people to be like this, but when it's closer to six or seven it kind of ruins things. The front of the yeshiva always smells like cigarette smoke (and so does my room occasionally), people steal things from the fridge, the kitchen has been broken into a couple times already, etc. I didn't fly thousands of miles away from home when I was perfectly comfortable in New York to spend a year with people like this. 

There are of course some really great guys here, and I don't mean to exclude them. There are some of my closest friends from high school, without whom I probably wouldn't be here to begin with, and there's a number of other guys I've met also (pretty much everyone who isn't british, actually)  who are just fantastic people, and I'm glad I've had the opportunity to meet them. Without these people, I'm sure I'd be utterly miserable here. I mean, I've never been a huge fan of learning gemara, as I'm sure many of you know. I'm not bad at it, and I've been told by many knowledgable people that I actually have a flair for it, but that doesn't mean I enjoy it. But that's part of why I'm here. I thought I'd get the chance to learn more of the "whys" of my religion, rather than the "whats" which I've focused on my whole life already.

I discovered last year that the "whats" don't hold up without the "whys", and I wish I'd discovered that sooner. I was left on my own last year, with zero supervision, and what I discovered was that I was left with zero motivation. My davening was a joke last year, as was my learning, and I'm not proud of that. I had hoped that coming here would give me a different perspective on things, and would give me the motivation I need to come to davening without a minyan point system, and be able to learn without getting a grade. 

For the most part, I seem to have been mistaken. 

There is one part of my day where, about once a week, I can ask one of my rabbeim some of the questions I have about, well yiddishkeit. And that's not nothing. I've learned a great deal from those sessions since August. But I get the feeling that I'm wasting 90% of my time here by just piling on more and more gemara. My rosh yeshiva is convinced that if I stay for an additional six months, I will continue to grow in my learning. That's fantastic, but I'm not really interested in it, and certainly not in these conditions. In fact those words kind of make me nauseous at this point. I don't need to be better at reading a gemara- I need to know why I'm reading it in the first place! I mean really, I've spent the last ten years learning HOW to read a gemara, but I can't keep myself dedicated to it if I don't understand the reason behind it. 

That's something I couldn't get at YU, so I thought I'd come here and hear their take on it. So far, I haven't heard anything new, and my belief is that that's not likely to change. I have learned about quite a few other things I wasn't sure about, and in that respect coming here was a great chizuk, But I really was much happier in the states, and I'd still like to get back there as soon as I can. 

I realize that sounds like a mistake to a lot of people. Lots of people view Israel in this bold, perfect light. Like it's heaven or something. "How could you want to leave Israel? Aren't you enjoying yourself? What do you have in America that can't wait another six months?"

That's not the question. The question is, what do I have here that I need to stay another six months?

The best argument I can think of is the fact that my friends are here, my brother is here, my relatives are here, and my father's friends are here (and they've all been really great!). This more than anything else is what make the decision to leave early tough. I'm all too happy to leave the english lads and their cigarettes, as well as the subpar living conditions (toilet paper!), but when I think about leaving these amazing people, some of whom I've known my whole life, I hesitate. I had no close friends at YU, and that is the one aspect of it I'm not looking forward to. But I didn't really try last year, did I? I had my own dorm room, I spent more time at my sisters apartment playing xbox than anything else- who's surprised? I feel if I make more of an effort when I come back in January, the social scene in New York will look much better for me. And I can't make the decision to stay just to be with these people. I can't be with them forever. 

As for the land itself, people told me before I came about the "connection" you get with Israel by going, and how it couldn't be described, you just had to go see for yourself. Well, it still can't be described in my mind, because I still have no idea what those people were talking about. You can say three months isn't enough time to let a bond like that grow, so I guess maybe I just don't have the patience for it. Or maybe I'll never get it. Regardless, it's not something that's keeping me here. I don't feel any kind of connection to this place- I'm far more connected to Milwaukee, the place where I actually grew up. I don't feel at home here. Maybe I haven't been to the right places, but I just feel like the Jews that live here are just a different kind of people. It's a world I can't really relate to, where in some places it's ordained by halacha that you throw stones at cars, or pour bleach on seminary girls. If anything, going to charaidi places like netanya and mean shearim have shaken my trust in Judaism. 

We go to tishes in Netanya, with thousands of chassidim sitting around a table watching their rebbe eat, and the whole time people ask me "isn't this amazing? aren't you inspired?" But it just makes me feel more distant to my religion. I don't believe the same thing these people do. They are their own breed of Judaism. They don't inspire me, and I don't connect with them at all. 

That's four interruptions. I seem to be annoying some people, so I guess I'll end this off here. I think I've covered everything, right? I've completely lost my train of thought anyways. Overall, of course I'm glad I came here, and I think I've grown a great deal from the experience in many ways, but I am really looking forward to coming back. And the rosh can call my father if he wants to (on sunday, look out) but I do kind of wish, at least for once, someone would respect my decision. It hasn't been an easy one to make, but I've made it already. Please stop trying to change my mind, because it might work.  

Yup, it's still summer

Jeez, I could use a job.

Like a real one, the kind that pays money. I've applied to literally dozens of places this summer, with absolutely no result. No one has even thought to call me in for an interview. About a third of the jobs I applied to at least had the courtesy to tell me they were no longer interested in me, but the other two thirds just ignored me. Pretty annoying. Why did I spend all that time with Perel writing a resume? Oh well, I'm sure it'll come in handy eventually.

I may get a job working at my old high school this summer, but so far that seems to be a long shot. I've heard nothing from anyone official yet, but rumors have reached me that they need more people. "Trying's all we've got!"

The IDEAL thing which I would die to do this summer is work on the Transformers 3 movie which will be filming here the week of July 12th. But I have absolutely no idea how to even get in touch with the people who are looking for local students to be PA's, and by now I think it's probably too late anyways. The chances of me getting Shia Labeouf coffee are pretty slim at this point. But getting a job like that- just unbelievable. Can you imagine what that would look like on a resume?

As for what I am doing around here, well not a whole lot. I have some friends who are in town for the next week or so, and we're going to hang out as much as we can before they all go to their respective sleep away camps in New York or whatever. Perel's coming back tomorrow night, and she'll be here for a little while, so that'll be fun. Oh, and as for this whole Dr. Apikores video- it has, as I feared, come to a bit of a stall. We still have some shooting (and believe it or not, some writing) to do before I can finish it up, but hopefully I'll get that done within the next few days. I did just discover that the Askotzky's have a giant white screen on their second floor I can use as a background- so I'm going to see if that's possible. Also, now Perel can be in the movie if she so desires. So it may be a little while longer, but it will b grand.

Close encounters of the Peanut kind

And here you have it, my obligatory blog of the month. The truth is, I think of stuff I should really write down all the time, but I guess there's just so much that none of it ends up on paper, er screen. And some of the stuff I'd really like to get into would take so long to write, and I don't have the patience for that kind of thing.
As you may have heard, I am working on a new Doctor Apikores video, and it is so far the coolest video I've ever made. It may be another week or two before it hits youtube, but rest assured it will be worth the wait.
So I guess while I'm here I might as well share with you my close encounter from earlier today. I was making lunch, which is a task which seems to be becoming more pathetic by the day. Today I was baking a piece of fish in the toaster oven, and I decided to eat something in the meantime, since it was going to take twenty minutes to bake. An ice cream sandwich in the freezer caught my eye. It was on the top shelf, and I didn't see what the flavor was, but it was in this fancy blue bunny packaging, so I was like what the heck- probably rocky road or something. Because they make that in ice cream sandwiches.
Anyway, I unwrapped it, and instantly recognized it as chocolate. Not my favorite, but good enough. I took a bite into this ice cream sandwich, and this is what I thought, in this order:
1) THAT'S not chocolate.
2) That's NOT chocolate.
3) That's not CHOCOLATE.
4) That's fricken peanut butter!
5) Who puts peanut butter in an ice cream sandwich>
6) OMG

So I spit it out as best I could, and rinsed my mouth out about 30 times. I don't think I actually swallowed any, but my mouth was still very tingly, so I went looking for the Benedryl. This drug proved elusive, despite the fact that our kitchen is completely stuffed with any kind of pill you can imagine. I finally found it, took two pills, and was pretty much out of commission for the rest of today. Annoying, but it could have been much worse, I guess.
I had come to wonder in recent months whether or not I was still actually allergic to the stuff, since I haven't had a reaction in many years. Well, question answered, I suppose.

Going through the book catalog with the crank-up radio blasting

"Forty-three percent off? But how much is it!!!"

I'm recording these quotes as they happen:

"I think this is the side where only girls can buy stuff, and this is the side where only boys can buy stuff. Look, 'Shark Adventure.'"

"'Easy to read'? I need some of those. I have hard to read books."

"Next page. These are my level I think. Nancy Drew?"

"Come on! Star Wars, the Clone Wars? It can't be both! It can only be one!"

"'Scratch and Win! Improve your math skills with these fun games!'"

Iguana: What's the party up here?

(Cranks up radio) "This is the party!"

Iguana: You and that thing are crazy. (leaves)

"Is 7 dollars a lot of money?"

"Do you like history? Do you want 100 historical photos? Does Iguana? Does Fudge? Does anyone in our family?"

"I already have a remote control car. I mean, Curby can't race upside down, but still..."

"Create your own slime? Ewww."

"Body Science! I love body science! Glow in the dark brain slime kit!"

"I wish I could draw sharks like that."

"How much can a bare bear bear?"

"A mink, a fink, a skating rink. Some of those aren't even words."

Yeah, yeah...

Eventually, I'll put something up. I'm officially too busy with finals and whatnot to blog right now. But for those of you wondering, the mice are still a problem, and I'm pretty annoyed at their persistence. They'll get theirs though, don't worry.

Reporting Live from the Muss lounge

Why am I two floors below my room with my laptop? Well, let me see if I can sum up what's been going on in my room the last 48 hours or so...

FRIDAY NIGHT
Getting ready to go to sleep, I see something scuttle underneath my doorway. I figure it's at worst a roach, but since the light's off, I can't see anything. When an extended search of the area reveals nothing, I convince myself it was a trick of the light and go to sleep.

SATURDAY NIGHT
Returning to my room after havdala, I open up my laptop and check my email. I then begin watching a youtube video.

TEN MINUTES LATER - FIRST SIGHTING
Something quickly moves across my desk behind the laptop.
First thought- What the heck was that?
Second thought- I think there's a mouse behind my desk.
Third thought- OMG there's a mouse in my room!!!

I move back from the desk and quickly put on my packers slippers. There's a brief moment where I see nothing- I then see the mouse very quickly move from behind the desk under the doorway. I carefully peer out the hallway, and see nothing. I suddenly realize that this is the thing I saw last night. Commence jibblies.

I head down to the guard on the first floor and let him know of the situation. He writes my room number down on a piece of paper, and calls someone, telling them I've seen mice in my room. After a ten second conversation, he hangs up the phone and tells me "housekeeping" will put down "traps" in my room. When I ask him if it'll be done tonight, he says "I don't know about that." Okay, worse things have happened. So I sleep with the mice for one night. Sudden realization that housekeeping does not come on Sundays causes more jibblies.
However, I don't see the rodent for the rest of the night. Believing it to have left my room, I block the bottom of the doorway with luggage, and watch dr who until 2:30, at which point I am comfortable enough to go to sleep.

SUNDAY MORNING
No sign of the vermin, but still on edge. I spend most of the day at my sister's apartment, returning at around 3:00.

SUNDAY 3:00- SECOND SIGHTING
I open the doorway to be greeted by the mouse. As if to welcome me back to our humble abode, it quickly scuttles from behind the desk under the doorway of a closet near the door. Not having checked that closet the previous night, I suspect that the mouse has and had been living there, although there's no food in there. Just a TV box. I move the luggage in front of the closet, take my laptop, and leave the room.

Now I'm going to head back up there, grab my wallet, and head over to rite aid to find some way of killing this thing. I have less than no faith in "housekeeping" coming tomorrow and laying traps. We will fight these rodents on the seas, we will fight them on the beaches. We will defend our dorm room, whatever the cost may be. We shall never surrender.

Hit the ground running...into a volcano

Coming back from these long vacations, I always kind of feel like a plane landing. After spending so much free time up in the air, relaxing, the hard thump of the wheels hitting the ground wakes me up and reminds me of where I am and where I'm going. The plane has touched the ground, but is still going nearly as fast as it was in the air. Over time it slows down, until finally it reaches the gate, and I suppose my vacation metaphorically dies at that point.


What was I talking about? Oh yeah, Pesach. Well, this Pesach was without a doubt the best Pesach I've ever had in my life. I've become more aware in recent months that you appreciate something more and more the less you have it. Now I have not exactly been separated from my family for a tear-jerking amount of time (as my mom put it, my limit so far has been six weeks), but by my standards, it feels like years. So when I finally come home, and all of my brothers and sisters are there, it's just such an amazing time for me. People say there's nothing to do in Milwaukee- but I don't really need anything. As long as those guys are around, I'm having a good time. My brother happens to be going away to the Israeli army soon, and I probably won't get another good look at him for the next fourteen months, so we spent plenty of quality time together (although most of it was in shul, I guess). One regret I have from this break is that I spent so much of it working. Well okay I guess that's not true, I spent maybe three or four mornings doing my superhero work downtown as a mashgiach. I'm not totally sure why I took up the requests- I guess it's because usually they don't ask me, and this time apparantly they really needed me, and I have a hard time turning down money. There were one or two days where I turned them down, and I'm really glad I did, because that meant more time I got to spend with my family.
But now I come back to New York and am once again faced with the realization that things like this don't last forever. Even when I do come back for summer break, it won't be the same as it was over this vacation, since my sister will still be working in New York, and my brother will still be in the army in Israel. Sometimes I just can't believe I'm thinking about going to Israel next year. I mean, it's true a lot of my friends will be there, but I have a rough enough time dealing with going to New York, I can't imagine what things would be like for me if I were to leave for six months at a time. I tell myself having friends there will make things better, but that's far from a guarantee. And I guess I need to go to Queens this weekend to check Landers out.
I guess in theory I shouldn't have time to be thinking about this (or writing it) since I have like two tests and a paper due in the same week I come back. But I really just can't bring myself to study economics right now. Maybe in ten minutes.
The truth is I don't have very much school left. I go home in another six and a half weeks, and I only have classes for about half of that. Finals shouldn't be too terrible, but I need to actually get back on top of things. It could just be because I came back with a lot of things I had to do outside of school, which hopefully by the end of today are all taken care of. I had to mail back the car keys I accidentally left in my pocket, wheel two gigantic, 50 pound boxes over to my sister's apartment, close a checking account (haven't done that yet), cash a check...I think there are more.
One problem is that it's hard for me to focus on my schoolwork, and think about if I want to stay here for next year at the same time. If I wait on that decision until the schoolwork is over, it'll likely be too late (dorm registrations are due April 21st...so I guess I need to know by then).
It's just that I've come back from the most amazing vacation ever, and I find myself back in the middle of all of these things. It's so hard for me to re-orient myself. I didn't know what I was going to do with all this stuff three weeks ago, and I haven't made much progress since. I guess I've had kind of a hard landing, not unlike the entire Polish government. Except I think I'm really just half off the runway, not half a mile away from it. If I can just steer myself in the right direction, I shouldn't have much of a problem dealing with these last six weeks. Then I can start looking for a summer job two months too late. Ugh.

Oop, it's been at least ten minutes. I should really study some economics now. With any luck, I'll at least feel like I did well tomorrow, and I can focus on my other tests.

Aaah, I've heard it both ways...

I need a break from overdoing!!!

Midterms!!!

Sorry, haven't had time to type anything in a while, I've been super busy juggling midterms, the play (which I'm doing tech again for this semester), economics homework, and the occasional modern warfare 2. But here's a hilarious video a friend of mine sent me.

The Tetris God

The wrong impression?

I had two strange things happen to me today which made me feel like I'd flashed back to the old WHEATS days. Oh, that's what my chavrusa calls my old school. Bear with me.
So I came back from one of my classes today to find that my door was wide open and my light was on. I thought that was pretty weird. I mean, I guess I can be pretty absent minded sometimes, but come on. That's just weird. But nothing was missing, I'd had my laptop with me, so I figured I'd just left it like that by accident, in a rush to get to class. Although my initial thought was like, what's going on? Are they searching my room?
I later found a security guard opening random rooms on my floor, and I guess he thought I was looking at him weird or something, so as I was opening my room up, he told me that they'd opened my room up earlier because they thought there was a leak inside, but it turned out it was in the room next door. I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse.
But anyways, later on I was trying to get back into my building, and found, as I often do later at night, that the door was locked. So I asked the guard in the booth if he could open the door. I was kind of out of breath as we had this little conversation, as I had just run from my sister's apartment to get my backpack from my room so I could get to a test I was probably already late for. This is how this conversation went:
ME: Can you open this door up please?

GUARD: How can I help you?

ME:...can you open this door up?

GUARD: (faint smile) No, the door is closed.

ME: Yeah, I know. Can you open it?

GUARD: No, no, it's locked.

ME: I know, that's why I can't get in. Can you open the door?

GUARD: It's closed right now.

ME: (suddenly understanding) Oh...wait what? This is the DORM building?

GUARD: Yes, the dorm is closed.

ME:...ok!

So I basically just had to run around to the main entrance and go all the way around the building. Of course, that entrance was wide open, and once I got to my floor I could find no reason why the place would be closed off. This whole thing basically cost me ten minutes of an extremely long test, but thankfully I still finished with plenty of time to spare. Although I have to admit that when I first realized that this guard was telling me the dorm was closed, my immediate reaction was like, "Why? Are they searching the dorms?"
Now I wish I could say that I've never actually had my room searched before, but unfortunately as of last year I can no longer claim that, which was when four rabbeim kicked me out of my own room and searched through my closet.
For those of you who may be surprised at my hesitation to go back to a full-time learning environment, this may shed some light on my point of view. This was actually something I thought about a few weeks ago, when I was reading the Yated at my uncle's house, and I read an article about whether or not it's right for a rebbe to hit his students. This caused me to drift back and remember fondly my experiences with, caring, sincere, patient rabbeim in the fourth, fifth, sixth, and eight grades. (end sarcasm)
I believe each one of these rabbeim brought me to tears on multiple occasions. And you know, it wasn't fun. And now I'm not saying I didn't deserve it all the time, but many times, even as I look back on it now, I did not approve of their methods. A few of them apologized to me afterwards, and I hold for them a bit of respect for doing that. But nonetheless, there's no doubt in my mind that these people are the reasons why I am so quiet today. It seems that I learned early on when to keep my mouth shut. And it's true, I remember many gemara classes where I would sit in my desk, trying very hard to not break down, and concentrating on how I was not going to say anything in this class ever again. I should just keep my mouth shut next time. Well, it seems I've learned.
 This was how I operated all throughout high school; I answered my questions myself, and never raised my hand unless there was really something I didn't know. Maybe that's a good thing? Is it a virtue not to say anything if you have nothing to say? It sure doesn't seem like it. Everywhere I go, everything I do, people ask me why I don't say anything? Am I afraid I'm going to be shot down and humiliated if I speak my mind? Or is this just the way I am now, with this mentality of being very careful with what I say, to the point where I don't even realize I have something to say unless it's something important?

Woah, I'm sorry, this was supposed to be a funny blog. But I've been thinking about this for a little while, and I guess I wanted to get it out there. It actually surprises me now that I never spoke with any of my high school rabbeim about this. Maybe I never figured it out until now. But I can tell you that with all of Dr. Stone's bellowing and stomping, he couldn't hold a candle to how much damage these people have done to me. Like I said before, maybe it's for the better. Maybe it's good that I know how to balance my words carefully. Goodness knows it got me through algebra, geometry, and chemistry in one piece. But take it from me- these rabbeim did not need to hit me. They did their job just fine with their words.

Look!

so yeah I'm really too lazy to write anything right now, but I realize I haven't posted anything in a while, so here's a video for you.

The next big thing

I tried to upload this to facebook, but they didn't seem to be interested in doing that. It's been uploading for the last half an hour, with nothing to show for it, sooooo....

I guess I'll just put it here and make the link my status. Good job facebook. Good job.

look familiar?

saw this while in gamestop with fudge buying tomb raider- because modern warfare 2 isn't "fun to watch."
to iguana- does this not make you think "roger wilco?"

"Vlog" sounds like some kind of messed up russian food

So it seems I haven't posted in a while. As in, since before winter break a while. I wanted to do a post like my sister did after her first semester of college, about what I've learned and how much I've grown as a person, but it takes so long to type these things up that I often wonder how she ever had the patience to type such long posts.

That's part of why I've been thinking about these vlogs that have been going around youtube. This one in particular, called "breaking nyc" is literally just this guy going around with a camera videotaping whatever he does during the day, including going to barnes and noble, going to school, and occasionally washing the dishes. And these videos get thousands, no hundreds of thousands of views- and he makes a new one every day. And I'm thinking- hey this is kind of like that blogging thing we used to do. Like back when we all did it. My father would put some funny story up once or twice a week, my sister would always have the best stories about our relatives in new york, Ezzie would leave funny comments, and every once in a blue moon my mom would put something up.
Now it seems me and iguana are the only ones who pay our blogs any heed at all. No one reads them, and no one writes them. They used to be such a great way for us to keep each other updated on what funny or exciting things are going on in our lives.

These days it seems you can turn that kind of thing into internet gold by putting it up on youtube. I'm not sure how these things get so popular- I mean the guy is funny, but seriously who wants to watch him do his dishes? And yet apparently this guy gets recognized in diners and stuff. If I was ever downtown, there's a good chance I'd run into him. His cousin (at least I think she's his cousin) meekakitty won $100,000 in an online contest through her vlog, when she asked the viewers to vote for her. She's using
the money to pay for college.

And by the way, both of their videos are very funny, and it's clear they put a ton of effort into them. I'm starting to wonder what would be more work- typing my blogs up, or turning them into "vlogs". The vlogs have potential to be really funny, and possibly even to catch on online (although I would never expect that to happen), but I think they require something these guys have that I don't: energy. Maybe that's why people will watch raywilliamjohnson make corn chowder, or watch meekakitty talk about essentially nothing for four minutes- because they do it in such a funny style. It's partly the editing, but it's also just the energy and excitement they put into it (meekakitty in particular). I guess that's something I don't have, although I really wish I did.

It would definitely be more awkward for me to video these things and put them up, but it'd also be funnier. Blogs used to be things people would read for a good laugh; now it seems to be a good place to go to see Shlock Rock advertisements. Remember when people would shoot coffee out of their noses reading stories about yonina's ridiculous books or conversations? (which I can assure you are in no short supply) What happened? Nobody has time anymore?

I admit that I've also slowed my blogging, from like a couples times a week to like once a month at best. It's definitely not because there's nothing going on (although occassionally that's true). But it's just that the whole thing has gotten kind of old. Writing these blogs seems to have become something I look upon as a chore. I used to get so excited when I'd laugh at something and say "that's going in the blog!" It seems to have lost some of its zeal over the last few years. That's what gets me thinking that maybe it's time for a new medium. Maybe the best way to bring life back to these blogs is to "vlog" them instead. And gosh darnit, if "breaking nyc" can get half a million views of this guy washing his dishes, I don't see what I've got to lose!

But shooting and editing is a lot of work, and this guy's youtube show, "equals three", apparently takes up most of his week. Although I don't think it has to. But you know, he's got fans. Thousands of them! That's pretty cool! I mean, what did he do? He set up some lights in a corner of his room and put up videos of him talking about...other youtube videos? And he gets thousands of subscribers! He sells t-shirts! You've gotta wonder, if he can do it, can anyone?

Now I'm not guaranteeing anything, and I'm not saying you can expect me to make one of these and put it up next week, but it's just something I've been thinking about.

Evil Overlord List

I saw this posted onto one of the doors in my dorm hallway. It's pretty good stuff.

The Top 100 Things I'd Do

If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him then say "No."

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labelled as such.

I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.

I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.

Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.

I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.

No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.

I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)

No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.

I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.

My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.

I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.

All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.

All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick.

I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.

I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.

I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.

I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.

I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.

If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.

If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.

If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.

I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel devices.

When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.

I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.

I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.

If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.

If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.

I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.

If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.

My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.

I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.

If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.

I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.

The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.

My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.

Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owner's manual.

If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.

I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.

My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords.

If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.

I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.

Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.

I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a disadvantage.

If I must have computer systems with publically available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.

My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.

No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.

I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.

All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.

When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.

If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.

If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using my unstoppable superweapon on them.

I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.

When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.

I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.

If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)

If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutentant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.

I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."

If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition commemorative coins.

If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.

If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.

I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure.

If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.

I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.

I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."

I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.

My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.

If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again.

After I captures the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.

I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.

I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.

If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead I will say this his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)

If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go first.

When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.

My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.

My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.

My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.

If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.

Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size.

Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.

Midnight Madness, not to be confused with Midtown Madness

I head over to the Morg lounge for some free pizza tonight. There have been signs up for weeks about the free food going on every night this week. I get there five minutes early, and there is literally a line out the door. Quickly judging the situation at hand, standing outside in the cold in my sweater, I make the logical choice and get in line for the pizza. The line doesn't move too much. I start to get a little suspicious when I continue to see people coming out of the building with pizza, while the line stands completely still. Eventually some guy comes out with a slice of pizza, looks at the line, and starts yelling "Hey, you know there's no real line right? There's no order, you just go in and take pizza! Sheesh, you know it's called midnight madness for a reason!"
I am briefly reminded of a clip of Homestar Runner standing in line at bubs concession stand, with a sign that says "Stand in Line: $5." Homestar turns around and says to the guy behind him "Best five bucks I ever spent!" So I did that mentally, knowing better than to make obscure references to random people (cough perel cough).
Anyways, nobody moves for a few minutes. I guess they're all thinking "It's a trick!" "It's like those emails about working from home!" "No way it's that easy!" But after awhile, everyone just kind of falls out of line and starts stumbling over to through the doorway. I had my pizza within five minutes- that being said, it was pretty awful.
Not that I had a whole lot else going on- I had my history final this morning, and I think I did pretty well. Finished after only a little over an hour. The history final was second only to the dreaded comp sci final in difficulty, and if the comp sci final is anywhere near as long, I should be able to finish in time to make my flight. Tomorrow is hebrew, which should be easy enough. I spent some time tonight studying for it, and I have all of tomorrow morning, so I should be good.
No other really exciting stories to relate, as if studying for my hebrew final was full of action packed drama. Although question remains- what will I do all of winter break if I don't get any Mashiach work?

aaand here come the finals

what do you do when you can't bring yourself to study, but don't have much else to do? Blog, of course! At this point I realize that if I'm going to out-do my sister in blogging, I'm going to have to pick up the pace. And besides, I've got a good twenty minutes to kill until my load in the dryer is done, and I seriously doubt I can get any more information out of this Gemara right here than I already have. I've been, like, torturing it. I mean, when I started, it was singing like a canary, but now it's just sitting here, limp and numb to its surroundings. Nothing doing here...

So yeah, this is reading week- no class, just cramming for finals. It's a semi-new concept for me, coming from That School I Came From where you felt lucky if you had less class on finals week. So naturally I feel like I'm going to have some time-management issues. That may mean a little more time on the xbox than is healthy (I have some serious ground to cover in modern warfare 2), but my schedule this semester is somewhat lighter than it would be usually, and the only real issue I'm going to have is with computer science, without a doubt the hardest course I'm taking, and am in danger of failing. The professor boasts about how his finals are "killers" and half the stuff on the final from last semester was not even broached in class. Hopefully things will pull through, as long as I get help from the right people and put a serious effort into it, which I plan to do. "Planning", however, is not a major at this university.

So anyways the past couple of weeks I've noticed that I'm spending too much money here in new york. I've spent more money the last four months than I've spent collectively in my entire life. Granted that includes a tv and a macbook pro, but the fact that most of it was on long-term investments doesn't make me feel much better. I'm still paying like $45 to take a cab to the airport, to get to a flight which actually costs $64. I've spent quite a bit on restaurants here too, which I feel guilty about to a lesser extent, since I live for food.
The truth is I'm not scrapping for cash as it is. I just have issues parting with my money. Especially if I'm not making any. I've put some effort into finding a job, and so far I've come up with nothing. I actually came here with the idea that I'd be getting an internship with Viacom helping with video editing. Nothing even came close to materializing there, although I did edit the spoof for the play, to tremendous success.

My goals now are to finish off the rest of these finals- and finish them well- and then get home for some long-awaited vacation. There is a small chance of me missing my flight next Thursday, as my last final officially ends about a little under two hours before my plane takes off. Although last time I went to LaGuardia, the car service got me there within 20 minutes, I was through security in 10, only to find out that my flight had been delayed three hours. While the conditions may not be the same, I would be shocked if it took me an extra hour just to get to the airport. But I've been shocked before. Stay tuned for partial excitement!

well haven't we been having fun

I've been sick the past two days. It began monday night in the theater, where our play rehearsal was once again going past 1 am. For those of you not in on this, I'm doing the lights for the YU dramatics society play "of mice and men", which starts this saturday night, and goes for another six days afterwards. So this week is called tech week, but most people call it "hell week" since it begins to dominate your life much more during the last week. (it was already pretty much dominating my life, going from 9-1 every night, so I wasn't really concerned). I spend most of my time there hanging lights, circuiting lights, and getting them to work on the board in the lights and sound booth behind the audience. It's tough work, and it's long, but I'm not so quick to say I haven't been enjoying it. It's grueling, absolutely, but I think I may prefer being busy working on a project, even if it is taking up virtually all of my free time.
But anyways, that night I started feeling kind of sick. I was sitting in the booth with my stage manager, and I told him during the rehearsal,
ME: "I think I'm going to be sick tomorrow."
SM: "Well that would suck, wouldn't it?"
ME: "Yes, it would."
It didn't go too much farther than that. Anyways, I was right, and the next morning I felt pretty awful. At my sister's behest, I went to the student health center to get checked out. There, I was reacquainted with Vladamir, the assistant head physician at YU (i think) whom I'd met at orientation. He was the one who told me if I didn't have my immunization forms on orientation day, he would send me chome. Anyways, he checked me out briefly. Most of the out- checking was him writing stuff down, so I don't know how thorough he really was. I know he listened to me breath, and asked me how I felt. He also took my temperature, which came up normal.
Long story short, he decided I had the flu (most likely since I hadn't had the vaccination) and told me to stay in bed for the next four days. Missing four days of college during tech week is not as much fun as it may sound like. It meant I would either be completely unprepared for the show next week, or they'd have to find someone to replace me, and that I'd be missing classes which I cannot easily make up, if I can make them up at all.
So anyways, that's where I've been the last two days. Sitting here, watching stuff on my laptop (most notably "merlin" "star trek (new movie)" and "cops" on youtube) Today I decided to go over to perel's apartment, since I guess I wanted to reconnect with my tv, currently in her custody. This word best describes the tv's current state. Hopefully after the whole play thing is over, I'll be able to "get it back."
So I went over there, bringing her dinner through the rain, which was not much more than a drizzle at the time. I brought my coat, just in case, in addition to her umbrella which I was returning. In case it was raining when I left, I wanted to have my coat with me.
For those of you just joining, my sister lives in a notably unsafe neighborhood. I could've sworn I watched a car get stolen while I stood outside watching the moving van the day she was moving in. But I've never had any issues walking to her apartment before, and I go around twice a week. The first few times I was really on my toes, but a sense of security has seeped in, and I no longer look behind me every ten seconds. This is probably a mistake, but I usually see alot of cops on my way back. This should probably frighten me, but it usually just makes me feel safer. It's like "Oh look, cops! No one would dare mug me at this corner!"

I hung out at her apartment for a few hours. I tried to play on my xbox- didn't really find myself in the mood. I can practically play soul calibur with my eyes closed- it seems to have lost its appeal. Anyways, I basically just watched Roswell with her and read off her cooking directions for zucchini kugel. Also helped her put a leaf in her table, and took out her garbage on my way out. Sure, why not?
The garbage thing frustrated me. By the time I decided to leave, I was so wiped out, it was going to be an effort just to get back, and I could hear through the window that it was still raining. And I'm sick. I took some of her ibuprofen (quite a bit of it, actually), but it hasn't seemed to kick in. The last thing I want to do right now is take her garbage down to the basement. It's hard for me to refuse these kinds of things though, and I always figure that it's never worth the argument, so I just do it. Fine, no problem.
On my way out, I noticed that it was now pouring outside. Great. As I turn onto the sidewalk, I also notice it's awfully windy, blowing my hood back and blowing rain onto my pants. I adjust my hood,, but with the wind it's hard for me to see in front of me. I vaguely think about what might happen if someone tries to mug me. I've got no cash in my wallet- just credit cards and a drivers license. And like, a barnes and noble gift card worth around $8, which I'm sure the thief would put to much better use than I'll ever end up doing. But I don't really get nervous. When you want something to be true, it's usually easy to convince yourself that it is. I thought things like "Oh, it's raining. Who would want to stand out here in the rain?"
I passed several people whom in hindsight looked pretty shady, but as soon as I passed them, and they'd done nothing, I thought nothing of it. Nevertheless, I tried to keep my guard up, and made an effort to look ahead.
About a block away from my sister's building, I saw someone walking my way who looked awfully sketchy. I crossed the street.
"That'll fool 'em" I thought to myself.
There were two people on the corner in front of a building- a man talking to a woman. I thought nothing of this either- I guess I usually figure if there's a woman around, no one's going to do any mugging. Like, it's not done or something. I dunno. I overheard one part of the conversation as I passed:
"Give it to me."
It was said somewhat calmly, and it didn't really concern me until the guy lunged toward the woman and grabbed her, most likely going for the purse hanging from her right shoulder. Well, in hindsight, anyway. I ran off instantly, desperately not wanting to become involved. As I approached the next corner, I think I heard a bang, and the man was definitely yelling in pain, although I wouldn't have thought that the lady had a gun.
I ran for the next block. A lot of things went through my mind from the moment the guy had attacked her until I arrived at my dorm building, among them:
That I had just come as close as I'd ever been to a mugging, and hopefully as close as I'll ever be. The two almost smashed into me in the struggle.
That I didn't call the police. The thought vaguely occurred to me as I ran away. Yes I had a cell phone, but what would I tell them? I couldn't picture myself in that kind of situation. I kind of got the feeling the officer would say something like "welcome to new york buddy" and hang up. Besides, I was sick, and I really just wanted to get home. I seriously was not interested in being interrogated by cops, or whatever was going to happen. It was really the same reason why I didn't call the police when that car might have gotten stolen- I didn't want to get involved. It's likely I never will.
My sense of security around this neighborhood has been completely shattered, although I guess it should never have been there to begin with.
But what occurred to me as I entered my dorm building is that if that really was a mugging, then had I not taken out my sister's garbage, that could've easily been me, with some other frightened stranger running past me. That thought does not change how I feel about not calling the police- but it does seriously scare me.
Now I'm off to sleep. And if I'm not better tomorrow- heck, even if I am better tomorrow, I'm pretty much screwed.